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Never has a play on “Freak in the bed” been more topical–because things have been getting crazy freaky here. And if you’ve been paying attention to anything at all, you know I’m talking about ghosts. I’ve talked about them before, and I probably will again. But they’re most important now, as in the past month, people have reported a myriad of experiences with ghosts, most specifically interactions with the fella who haunts Caples, searching for a lady to smooch. Maybe you’re into it. Maybe you’re not. Advice on ghost snuggles after the jump.
Sometimes ghosts are friendly. Sometimes ghosts are scary. And sometimes ghosts just want to play everyone’s favorite sport, if you know what I mean. (Do you know what I mean? Someone referred to sex that way recently and I really liked it. I hope you really like it.) Here are some tips and tricks to help your ghostly encounter be all that you’ve dreamed of. Is this a joke? I don’t know.
Light some candles to set the mood: Not a sexy mood. This is a seance. If you are unaware of how to execute a seance, I highly recommend the film Now and Then as a blueprint. Tastefully done. When your ghost of interest finally reveals itself, you can pretend the candles are sexy candles and maybe they’ll like that. (If you live in Old Kenyon, maybe use electric candles for this seance?)
Coat your entire body in perfume: Ghosts have no earthly bodies, and therefore no real noses, and therefore no sense of smell, right(?), so maybe if you use a ton of smelly things, the ghost might nearly be Enchanted™ (Taylor Swift) by your fruity scent. If they can’t smell your perfume, tell them, “I’m wearing perfume.” It’s really sexy to be honest with your partner.
Take things slow: One last reminder: your partner is a ghost. That means it has been some time since they have had some lovin’. And you have got to let this stuff puh-lay out casually. If they trust you enough to allow themselves to inhabit a physical form that you can interact with (as opposed to their usually ghostly matter) they’ve already allowed themselves to be vulnerable with you, and you need to respect that.
That’s pretty much all I can give you on ghostly sexual interaction. I did research to find more info but every Yahoo Answers was like, “Blah blah blah, you sound crazy,” or, “Blah blah blah, use protection.”