Apart from myself, none of the Thrill editors have taken a math class beyond Calculus. So of course, it seemed natural for all of them to attempt to define the various terms used in upper level math classes. Over the last few days, they have pondered deeply over what things like “Moment-generating functions” and “Markov processes” could mean. Here are their almost-accurate definitions:
- Drake Equation—The law that states that after dating a terrible asshole for X given amount of time (Chris Brown), the universe will always give a person (Rihanna) a much better Y value of a boyfriend (Drake. Drake and Rihanna are dating.)
- Moment-generating function—alcohol. narcotics. barbiturates. or instagram (like kodak moments)
- Central Limit Theorem— The amount of drinks you can have before you kick the bucket. Or the amount of days Peirce food can be good before dropping off into toxic waste.
- Weak Law of Large Numbers—Larger the number of shots, weaker you; Bigger isn’t always better. The larger numbers appear, the weaker I feel. Because math is scary and terrible. Sorry, Jack.
- Markov processes—It’s that thing where you tell your friends that you are hosting a pre-game. The problem is that no one will come to your basement/treehouse Caples suite unless you lure them with the promise of fancy alcoholic beverages. You say, “Hey, friends! I’ll be making White Russians tonight! Stop on by!” People start to get excite and say things like “oh, wow!” and “that sounds exotic and sophisticated!” So people show up. It’s 10:15. That one gal/boy who you desperately wanted to show off in front of is in attendance. Everything is great! Except you have no idea how to make White Russians. You try a simple combination of milk and vodka. That’s just gross. You wonder if vodka and ice cream would be better. You ask your roommate if he/she will run to the market and “just pick up some ice cream.” They say no. It doesn’t matter, since that would still not be a White Russian. The night turns into a fiasco when you admit that you have no idea to make a White Russian and should have looked it up on the Internet or asked that vaguely Eastern European athlete in your Econ class. The completion of the Markov Process occurs when the number of people who leave without even thanking you for the vodka flights is equal to the cosine of half of Putin’s tenure as president.
- Monte Carlo Integration—When you adopt the identity of a famed Monte Carlo jewel thief and you and your fancy lady compatriot fill a bathtub with money and then the FBI shows up and you narrowly evade capture. And then you integrate the public school system.
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