When you first got to Kenyon, you overall knew what to expect. You’d done some research, decided on tentative clubs to join, and scoped out how much of a BAMF your roommate was gonna be. You thought you were prepared, but nobody told you about the beetles. They seem to be everywhere at once, Harmonia axyridis, an invasive beetle seeming deceptively like a ladybug but distinctly different looking in no way at all. They were brought into America from Asia, being introduced to control the aphid pest population, but you don’t care about that because they’re gross and they stink and I hate’em. There’s nothing worse than waking up to those black dots crawling across your ceiling and knowing that you are powerless to stop them. But wait! You have me, the self-appointed Thrill pest control expert! And with my dastardly good looks and out of the box thinking, I’ll soon have you on your way to beetle independence.
1. Close your window: I know, I know, that’s why I’m earning the big bucks. After careful observation, I have found that the main source of ingress for these trespassers is the only port of entry and exit to the outside world in your whole room. So my first thought would be a closing off from the outside world. But we’re not looking for the obvious answer here kids, oh no, we gotta get a lot more wild than that…
2. Introduce a predator into your room: What sort of predator you ask? Seriously? What do I look like, a predator expert? No, I’m here to offer suggestions, not teach you how to wipe for yourself, you’re a big person now, go online and figure it out yourself.
3. Spray the room: “But all my books are in there, David! And I’m allergic to poisonous pesticides!” My god, all you people do is whine. Find a good friend/significant other whose room you can live out of for a night or two until your room clears out and boom! Problem solved. Just be sure to close the window when you move back in, otherwise your forgetful ass will be up to your eyeballs in Asian beetles before you can even spit. I can see these aren’t doing it for you, but not to worry, I’ve got more.
4. Target Practice: And you thought that your sporting career ended in high school. Take what you know, and adapt to the current situation. So go dust off that lacrosse stick or buy a gun; soon you will not only be ripping top cheddar, but you will be insect free. Of course there’s a contingency plan…
5. Transfer: That’s right, I said it, GTFO. There’s no stopping these things and climate change is only gonna make them bolder. Just take your semester abroad early, and never come back. I mean, the only thing keeping you here now is a misplaced sense of pride anyways, well, that and Peirce coffee.
vacuum. It works. Go and get someone elses and suck them up. You don’t want to clean out the bag so don’t use your own.
OK, this made me laugh out loud. The beetles in Cromwell drove me crazy. Nice job, David,
I once killed one of these suckers on a ceiling light with a baseball bat. It worked.
some misconceptions I want to clear up:
1) “ladybird beetle” means the same thing as “ladybug” so although we seem so intent on distinguishing our invasive friends from their supposedly more dignified cousins, the two are closely related and differ mainly in their invasiveness
2) our precious “ladybugs” which we seem so intent on distinguishing these invasive “asian ladybird beetles” from make the EXACT same stink when threatened. don’t act like these ladybugs are so much worse than the “normal” sort just because they’re a bit orange and smell up your room – if you had a room full of the normal kind of ladybugs, it’d be just as stinky!
david, of course you couldn’t teach people how to wipe themselves. you can’t even wipe yourself
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