10 o’clock list: Ways Not to Have Your Food Stolen in Communal Fridges

 

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Ah yes, the wonders of residential dorm life, thin walls, drunken students wandering the halls, and beloved communal spaces. After along day, sometimes all you want is to remove your day-old, half eaten, VI burger and fries from the communal fridge and finish season two of House of Cards. But we’ve all had the terrifying experience of opening the fridge and seeing just empty space between yogurts and half-empty Coke bottles. No hamburger in sight. You lift your head to the sky and bellow a curse because the Market is now closed and you have nothing. Next time will be different though. Next time you will thwart the drunken thief with any one of the following ways to protect your food in community fridges.

  1. Duct Tape. It fixes everything right? So why not your food problem? Just wrap your leftovers in copious amounts of tape. This will prevent any potential thieves from just taking a quick peek to see if your food looks good. Additionally, drunken students are less likely to exert the effort to cut off all that tape. Downside, you have to cut off all that tape. Bonus points if you use this tape.
  2. Hazardous Waste Labels. Just run on over to your closest medical supplies store (or just buy the stuff online) and buy sharps containers and other medical waste containers to store your food. No one will touch your leftovers if they think they are used needles!
  3. Mine it. A la Ron Swanson from Parks and Rec invest in a claymore mine to secure your food. Just wire your package of leftovers to a shelf in the fridge so that when the thief goes to pull out the package, the mine goes of in his or her face.*
  4. Buy a safe. Nothing says “this is MINE!” like a giant safe with a huge padlock sitting in the bottom of the fridge. Your food stays cold and completely unmovable, so no downside.
  5. Hire a private security guard. Just like the U.S government in Iraq, and shipping companies today, hire a gun toting, ex-navy SEAL complete with mirrored sunglasses and an earpiece to stand guard over the fridge night and day. Expect this choice to double your tuition costs.
BONUS: Just don’t refrigerate your food. Just leave it on your desk and risk salmonella. Actually, this probably isn’t a good idea.
*The Thrill takes no legal responsibility for this recommendation, mines are bad

 

 

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