Irrational Kenyon Phobias

OH DEAR LORD WHY via Wikimedia commons

OH DEAR LORD WHY
(via Wikimedia commons)

Kenyon is a fantastic place, but we’d be lying if we didn’t admit that it messes with our heads every once in a while. Here are some common phobias experienced by Kenyon students, and why those fears are irrational.

Gatapsygeiophobia – The fear of opening the mini-fridge in your dorm room to find it swarming with live feral cats. This is, of course, irrational, as cats do not have opposable thumbs; even BamBam’s polydactyl  paws cannot grip the handle to your refrigerator. Also, mini-fridges are just that: mini. The likelihood that more than two cats could fit in a mini-fridge at one time is close to nil.

Unanonopantaloniphobia – The fear that all of the Kenyon Confessions will suddenly be identified, complete with what the author was wearing while writing it. This fear is irrational because, as anyone who has submitted a confession knows, the submission Google form is anonymous and doesn’t record your name. In addition, there is no way for it to register your outfit as you submit. But we all know you weren’t wearing pants.
Votsalophobia – The fear of all of the Middle Path pebbles in your shoes gaining sentience and controlling your movements. The pebbles are rocks, and have no internal structure to conduct the electricity necessary for mental function. If they did, they would still be way too light to direct your feet, and even then, you could just take off your shoes! You’re safe!
Onirameaganophobia – The fear that Chef Meagan is just a dream. Pinch yourself. That’s right, you are wide awake. This is real life.
Theiosafilofronophobia – The fear that your mean uncle is actually right about the uselessness of a liberal arts education. Without a doubt, the most irrational fear on this list.

 

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