This is the first piece in an occasional series in which we construct a story entirely from the content and subject lines of Allstu emails.
Once upon an Allstu, Jeff, a luckless young security guard, was drawn into a local murder investigation, loyalties were strained to the breaking point. During Deball, he went to see the Lord Kenyon Participants.
“Want to BE A STAR?!”, they said, “the Art Department is offering Open Figure Drawing Sessions! If we work hard enough, we can all shape the world exactly the way we want it to be.”
“Tell me where you are at and when, and I will celebrate Women’s History at Kenyon”, he replied.
“Tuesday, March 25 , 11:10 a.m., Peirce Lounge”, they whispered in his ear. Real World Gambier is spinning into butter!, he thought. Jeff then took the time to vote for next year’s student government. Time is running out! He suddenly realized, quickly calling (740) 602-2192 between 9 pm and 12 am, so that the sisters of Epsilon Delta Mu could deliver pancakes right to his door. A few days later, after checking out the Goat Seminar, Jeff went to Peirce Lounge to meet the contestants. He arrived to find more than a conversation on gun culture and the Second Amendment with local gun enthusiasts. Instead he found ♡ grilled cheese ♡ AND a fierce warrior who’s handy with a sword! Tomorrow will be crazy!, he thought. The Lord Kenyon Participants turned to him,
“You wouldn’t want all of these snacks from the Pink Cupcake to go to waste, would you?!”, they said.
“GAHH, DID YOU MISS THE KENYON FYC BOXER SALE TOO? Boxers are $12 and SUPA SASSY”, he exclaimed as truth became elusive and justice proved costly.