10 o’clock list: Kenyon-Relevant Famous Last Words

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies

What does Zombie Jane Austen know about your life?

“I’m so bored with it all.” These were the last words of Winston Churchill, before he slipped into a coma for nine days and passed away. While these words may not resonate with your Kenyon experience, I’ve found some that do. From British generals to Russian Tsars, The Thrill has compiled some famous last words you’ve surely uttered (if not, just wait) while living on the Hill.

1. “I can’t sleep.” —J.M. Barrie, author of Peter Pan

Sure, it sounds vague, but how many times have you been kept awake by the incessant, unmistakable sounds of someone living near you and their slampiece? Whether you’re in an apartment or a residence hall, the walls are way too thin. I know I’ve lost sleep.

2. “Now, why did I do that?” —General William Erskine, after jumping out of a window in Lisbon, Portugal.

This is what I told myself every time I ever signed up for a class that met before 10. Just — why?? This thought process usually leads me to find someone to blame, which for me is the registrar (my anger at them is dwarfed by my fear of them). Regardless, this baronet knows what I’m taking about.

3. “Home to the palace to die…” —Tsar Alexander II

You know what are like palaces? North Campus Apartments. I’ve never lived in one, but when I’m so fortunate to be invited north for a party, I always admire their marble floors and crystal chandeliers relative newness. If I was a senior living in an NCA, I’d probably quote Tsar Alexander every time I walked home to work on comps.

4. “I want nothing but death.” —Jane Austen

Does anyone else feel this way when they’re at the KAC? Whenever I’m doing cardio, I’m 100 percent about this Austen quote. I would say these words aloud during my workout, except then people would give me weird looks, thus furthering my desire for death and nothing else. I usually settle for a trip to the steam room in lieu of actually dying.

5. “My wallpaper and I are fighting a duel to the death. One or the other of us has to go.” —Oscar Wilde

Anyone with an under-decorated room knows what I’m talking about. You don’t want to do homework, you haven’t gotten any Facebook notifications in the past seven seconds, but you have to do something. So you stare at the wall. Eventually this stare-down becomes adversarial until you’re living out your own Wilde biopic. Or you know, you just deface your wall.


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