The Executive’s Workout™: A Guide

I was going to take pictures of myself doing this stuff, but I think I bruised my rib, so here is a screen cap from the Royal Tenenbaums scene wherein Richie loses his mind during a tennis match (which is a little like squash).

I was going to take pictures of myself doing this stuff, but I think I bruised my rib, so here is a screen cap from the Royal Tenenbaums scene wherein Richie loses his mind during a tennis match (which is a little like squash).

We all know that the body needs a pick-me-up every once in a while. Drinking every night of the week, coupled with the fact that some of us are deep in the throes of comps does not bode well for being the picture of health that every Kenyon student strives for. This is why we have decided to compose the complete rejuvenating system: The Executive’s Workout™. To complete the The Executive’s Workout™, one must engage in vigorous exercise, vigorous cleansing and slightly less vigorous drinking.

  1. Actually Work Out. Good ol’ exercise. Deep squats, tumbling on hard surfaces. Lifting is acceptable, squash is preferred. Like a vaudevillian strong man, you will be ripped, toned and ready for beach weather by the end of your constitutional.
  2. Hot Tub. This part isn’t super necessary, but it’s nice to relax before the sauna. Nothing says loosened muscles like warming up in the hot tub before you go to the sauna to shoot the shit with your best buds while sweating out the toxins.
  3. Sauna. Saunas are an important part of a healthy lifestyle. They make the toxins rise to the surface straight from the most hellish depths of your body. You spend all year filling your body with stress and worry — there is nothing that makes it melt away like a good, old-fashioned sauna.
  4. Shower. It is important to be clean. No one likes a sweaty mess post-workout. You’ve spent the morning getting those toxins to rise to the surface — now you just need to rinse them off.
  5. Bloody Mary. Bloody Marys are key to ending this fine, fine workout. Nothing says health like drinking tomato juice. Everyone is always ranting and raving about the health benefits of lycopene and all of the other nutrients in those red health factories (not to mention the celery!). The vodka is just a nice touch — a little treat for how hard you’ve worked. You are an Adonis.

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