We are students at an institution that boasts some of the greatest names literary history on the alumni and staff roster. We’ve got E.L. Doctorow and P.F. Kluge, along with Robie Macauley and even John Green. Do you think John Crowe Ransom would be caught dead with a copy of Fifty Shades of Grey in his bag? Hell no. But we all have needs, and those needs need to be met. So I give you my ideas for erotic novels that would please the sensitive and slightly pretentious palate of a liberal arts student.
1. A Man Will Always Need Moore. In this false historical account, our esteemed College founder travels to England to receive funds for his school. Amongst a crowd of benefactors, he meets Hannah Moore. Expecting a crotchety old maid, he’s surprised to find that this older woman is vivacious and full of wit. He falls for her personality, her poetry and finally her body. But this religious man must come to terms with the fact that this relationship is doomed — he’s married and must return to Ohio as soon as he finds sufficient funds. Filled with unmatched passion, A Man Will Always Need Moore is an unexpected ecclesiastical pleasure house and not to be missed.
2. Bunson Burn Me. They hate each other, but when you’re working in a high-pressure lab situation, you don’t have much time for dating. On the verge of a breakthrough in e.coli prevention, lab partners Marcus and Janelle have to get over their competitive nature and get along, or else their biology professor will kick them both out of their lab. But forced niceties become more, and suddenly they’re experimenting with each other — in and out of the lab — while risking their academic work and future careers.
3. Fauning Over You. A disgruntled female student, sick of her classwork and academics, heads out to go camp in the BFEC for the weekend. While she tries to put up a tent, an unexpected thunderstorm rolls in. Unable to escape, she’s saved by a mythical faun. Handsome and strong, she is immediately attracted to him and they spend a beautiful night in his forest home while the storm rages on. However, she wakes up to find him gone. Thinking it was a dream, she walks into her first class on Monday and sees her faun lover — but as her human professor! In this fantasy tale, our heroine goes on a journey of self-discovery where she must figure out which she likes more: human or goat genitals.
4. Toasts and Trix. Trixie has made a pretty penny working as an escort after finishing her liberal arts education. Charming, beautiful and well-read, she is the belle of any dinner party. But she has a dark secret — despite her clientele, she’s only interested in women. This hasn’t been a problem until she goes home with one of her frequent clients to find that his daughter his home. Only problem? She was her girlfriend in college. Trixie has to find out which she wants more: money or love?
5. Classic Encounters. Robbie, a junior, has just declared his classics major. That night, as he reads Catullus, he hears screaming in the hall of Leonard. Confused, he walks out to see a beautiful, angry woman saying her name is Clodia and asking where the hell she is. Somehow, Robbie realizes, he has brought back Catullus’s famous lover from ancient Rome and now must find a way back. But Clodia is a woman who knows what she wants, and what she wants now is Robbie.