It’s that time of year again! Spring has slowly (ever so slowly) sprung, the sun is shining and people are realizing how many people actually go to this school after our long winter hibernation. But the jubilations are tainted somewhat with fear as to what lies ahead: SWIMSUIT SEASON. You’ve been surviving on a steady diet of Cove food and cheap beer, and while you aren’t unhealthy, there is a thin veneer of winter blubber that has remained stealthily hidden from view by poofy down jackets (and no one blames you; you survived the Polar Vortex goddam it, you deserve to eat however you want!). For those of you looking to get back to fighting shape, here are a few ways you can get that bod ready for the beach, without actually making that trek down to the KAC, which is really all the workout you would have needed anyways.
1. Pray for more snow: As Alexander Graham Bell said (paraphrasing), “If you’re too lazy to get in shape for real, just make sure you never have to show off your body, like ever. I invented the telephone. YOLO.” You don’t even need to leave the comfort of your own room — simply draw a pentagram into your floor, sacrifice an ice cube in the middle and offer your soul to whatever sick bastard has been causing all this accursed whiteness to fall upon our campus.
2. HIDE IT: You wanna know whats in right now? Shirts. And sweatpants. And beds. If the system is telling you to expose yourself and risk social humiliation over what kept you alive during the cold months of the new year, let me tell you something: fuck the system. Or better yet, create your own system. You’re a college student by now, you should be able to do as you goddam please. But if you’re insistent on following the flock, I guess you can try some of these tips, you sellout…
3. Egg Safety: Yeah that’s right, I stare true terror in the face and I laugh. Not only does it improve your shoulders and back to throw so many eggs, but the ensuing chase is a great way to get some cardio in. And maybe, after you’re all done, you can pull a Rocky and swallow the rest — some much needed protein after exercise. Just remember to stretch!
4. Old Kenyon laundry: Here’s what you do — go throughout Old Kenyon, banging on doors and gather up all the dirty clothing you can. Then, making sure to walk through all the floors, bring that down to the laundry room and wash it. I’m going to skip the intricacies of it because I assume you’re a functioning adult. When you’re done, deliver the clothes back and accept your tip. This is a great leg and lower back workout, with the added bonus of the nice sauna effect of the basement laundry room to sweat out all the poisons.
5. Lite beer: Okay, this one is a joke, Keystone Light works just fine. But another thing that’s important is to improve your posture, what you look like is 36 percent how you hold yourself. To straighten your back, head down to the KAC for some yoga classes, offered whenever they’re offered. Actually, screw that — we’ve already covered how far away that is.