I’m so tired.

Anyone else slowly rotting in bed after their final Sendoff evening? No? You’re all awake and running around campus in cute little shorts and flower crowns? Cool. I’m not bitter. Regardless, if you happen to need a little more energy during finals week, I drank a lot of caffeine-bearing poison to see which tasted the best. Here are the results.

Mountain Dew Kickstart – Energizing Limeade: This stuff is literally just hyper-caffeinated Mountain Dew, complete with radioactive glow and questionably enthusiastic fizz. It boasts five percent juice, though I really don’t know what kind. (Alex Minton ’17 and I speculated that it was the devil’s urine.) After the third sip, I kinda wanted to buy a dirt bike. Or host a LAN. I couldn’t decide.

Full Throttle: This can was dustier than all of the other ones. The liquid looked like diluted olive juice and tasted like someone threw up cotton candy and gummy bears they bought at a gas station. I shouted “I HATE THIS” to the sky, but apparently God didn’t hear me because the taste stayed in my mouth for hours.

NOS Zero: At first, I was like, “Oh, cool, no calories and a yummy grapefruit smell. How could this fail?” Then, I was like, “Where is the nearest death metal concert I need to go puke in a mosh pit.”

Red Bull: I think all of the ingredients in this are just the names of science fiction monsters and the real ingredients are just caffeine and mashed-up Sweet Tarts. Whoever invented this was probably not allowed to trick-or-treat as a child.

Conclusion: I feel like this bus. Drink coffee, for God’s sake.