Yo, I do soooo many drugs.

Dear First-Year Trying to Buy Drugs,

I think I have a problem. Look, I’m no Joaquin Phoenix, but Netflix is the love of my life — in the course of a whole day, it’s the only one who bothers to ask me “what I think.” I’m not comfortable turning to anyone else for advice — I mean, its movie suggestions are spot-on. Who needs human company when you have unlimited access to obscure romcoms and bad TLC programming? Don’t answer that. Anyway, I can’t bear to lie to my one and only, but Netflix insists on asking me if I would like to share my movie preferences with my friends. The problem is — what friends? I got rid of them all so that they wouldn’t interfere with my relationship with ‘Flixie.’ I don’t know how to break it to her. I feel like she might be hinting at breaking up with me. Help?

From,

Can’t Nix The ‘Flix

Dear Can’t Nix The ‘Flix,

Look, slow your roll — oh wait hold on for a hot sec. Hey. Hey! HEY YOU! Yo, do you smoke the stanky? What. No, you know what I mean. Like if I was a cat, I would loooooooveee catnip. Like I’d be one dope ass cat. Right? Wait, where are you going? I want to buy a quarter! Waaaaaiiiiiitttt! Fuck. You know what’s pretty cool? Watching nature documentaries on Netflix when you’re high. Like high as the mothafuckin’ sky man. This one time, I was with my friend, and he was on DMT and I was just … Oh shit. Hey, hey man I heard you’re into that sticky icky icky — wait, please come back. Fuuuuuuckkkk.

Dear First-Year Trying to Buy Drugs,

I’m really not looking forward to going home. Since arriving at college, I’ve grown further and further apart from my friends from high school. We try to keep in touch, but it’s hard. On top of this, my mom has been on my back, trying to force me into an econ major and has signed me up for an internship with some financial company. The fact of the matter is, I just want to be an art history major, but she’s all like, “Noooo, you need to be able to fund my catheter supply when I gamble away my retirement fund.” Whatever. Thoughts?

From, 

Econo-way

Dear Econo-way,

Yo, did you know that dude has a sick-ass bong? It has like four chambers — or at least that’s what Brad told me. He’s my hook-up — yo no not like that, you fuck — not like in the blowjob-after-twilight kind of way, but like in the drugs sense of the words. Or is it word? Anyway, drugs man. Hey, have you ever gone to class high? I did this one time. It was dope. I’m actually a dope-a-saurus. That’s what Brad says. Or no, I think that was Charlie. Anyway, do you know where I can get some mushies? You know, like shrooms or acid or some shit like that? Fuck, is that Safety? FUUUUCCKKKK! Fuckin’ run brah! Fuckin’ run! Actually no, get behind that tree! Ima climb it — yo ima chief out up here. Get at me now Safeeetyyyy.

Dear First-Year Trying to Buy Drugs,

My girlfriend and I have been together for almost a year and a half and I’m about to graduate. I really like her and might even want to pop the question some day, but she’s not so keen on staying with me in a long distance relationship. She thinks staying together would be too serious for this point in our lives, but I feel like we’re the right people for each other. Isn’t that worth trying to save? How can I convince her I’m worth it?

From,

Graduating With A Degree In Heartbreak 

Dear Graduating With A Degree In Heartbreak,

Look, I don’t know man. Once I thought I fell in love when I was on molly. It didn’t really work out — turns out falling in love with a tree because its texture is super cool isn’t really a thing. But then dropped some acid, and from then on, my motto was “L-S-suckmy -D.” But like not in a gender-normative kind of way, just like in a “I like puns and occasionally hand jobs” kind of way. Yeah, and then I realized that I really was in love with this one variety of weed called Matanuska Thunder Fuck. That shit was the dopest dope I eva did smoke. Yo I do sooooo many drugs.