Friends and lovers! In a matter of days we will all be leaving the Hill, and some of us will be leaving forever. But, really, all of us will be leaving this mountain top of fun, sexy times v. soon. Weekend after weekend of guaranteed romantic adventures will be coming to end — and it’s time to get real.

You need help finding love away from Kenyon. Your awkward quirk/cuteness is just not going to translate in the real world. It’s time to get professional help. And by “professional help” I mean, of course, OkCupid.  For those of you who are unfamiliar with the online dating oasis, OkCupid “is a free friendship, dating and social networking website that features member-created quizzes and multiple-choice questions,” according to Wikipedia. 

Sounds like a sure-bet for success. But how do you make your account stand out, in a good way?

1. Have an “I’m over this” attitude. In your about me section, give off an attitude of “I’m too good to be doing this.” When talking about yourself, make sure that your tone suggests that you hate talking about yourself, and then write three paragraphs about your personal likes and dislikes in great detail.

2. Play hard to get. On your OkCupid profile, it shows how frequently you respond to messages. Not responding is a good thing. It shows that you are a catch and not easily snaggable!

3. Be topical. Want quality messages? Give a series of topics that can be very approachable, are conversation starters, or are things you want to know more about. Try to attract individuals that can both be future lovers and provide you with educational information. In the “I can’t stop thinking about” section, write “when the Mongols ruled China” when you are taking a class on that topic. Hopefully, someone with a doctorate in Chinese/Mongolian history will message you and will most likely want to talk about this topic in great detail. You’ll pass your exam in no time!

4. Give nonsense answers. If people are reading your profile, even a little, crazy/nonsense answers may stand out more! If people don’t know what you’re talking about they’ll probably think you’re really cultured/smart/hip or maybe insane … but who cares?!

5. Attractive Profile Photo. This is literally all that matters. If you have a nice photo, you can say literally anything and people will still contact you. For instance, if all of your answers are about a made-up animal, people will assume you are being clever in some way that they just don’t get. Even a complete lack of coherence will in no way hinder your dating game. 

An example of an “ok” photo

This post was co-written by Casey T. Griffin ’14, Emma Strickler ’14 and Ryan Drake ’14.