It’s that time of year again. Finals are here, you’re stressed out, and, like a child, you need people to make you food and give you candy. Lucky for you, this time of the year also means you have Midnight Breakfast. Here are a few quick tips on how to win it:
First of all, it’s all about the look. This is an institute of higher learning, and you gotta show off you academic rigor. Wear dirty clothes; nothing says “I’ve been up all night studying in Gund” like a stained pair of sweatpants and a raggy undershirt. Maybe put your glasses a little askew with a pen or pencil behind your ear, to make sure everyone knows that at any moment you’re ready to leap back into the fray of scholarship and achievement.
Next off, smoke a little weed*; no, not to soothe your nerves, but to get that desired “red eyed” look which either tells people that you haven’t slept in, like, ever. Alternatively, it tells them that you recently had a nervous breakdown and bawled your eyes out about your final English paper. Either way, it shows people that you really care and have a sense of perspective.
Next step, boys, don’t shave your face starting a couple days ago, or, if you haven’t had the chance to do that, draw on some stubble, because shaving takes up valuable studying time. Girls, don’t shave your face either, although the effect may be a little muted for you.
Last tip: make multiple trips to the coffee station, preferably complaining loudly about how badly you want to punch your professor right in their stupid face for respecting your intelligence with lofty expectations. After it’s over, go home, power down three Red Bulls and start studying. Happy exams!
*The Thrill does not condone drug use. It never has. Ever.