Finals. One, hazy (crazy, lazy) week of under-sleeping, overeating, and library weeping. Suddenly, the Kenyon that you’ve come to know and love turns unrecognizable. Rugby girls forgo beloved theories of social justice and equality and hog the free-candy resources with ridiculous gallon sized bags. The ballroom dancers hold impromptu, slightly unsettling performances in Peirce. And, most prominently, all anyone can seem to talk about is passing their finals. To rescue you from conversational mundanity, this finals week, The Thrill offers you five things that you can worry about passing besides your finals.
- Your kidney stone — This seems like a good a time for you to sing your kidney stone a Kokosing Farewell. Out with the old, in with the new, HAGS, don’t ever change, etc.
- A jay — No one appreciates it when you use the joint as a microphone. Especially if you’re not the one buying and you’re letting the ash burn a hole in the bedspread. Shut up and pass the jay.
- For 21 at the Cove — This is not difficult. Just make sure you’re out by senior week. The Class of 2014 wants to party without being reminded that you youngins still have two years of non-adulthood left.
- For 10 to get the child discount at Jake’s A Place for Steak — Wings and a soda for $6! Six dollars! A child’s item saves you plenty of money for drinks at the Cove while passing for 21 later.
- For qualified — While Kenyon has taught you how to write and also how to bullshit your way through a QR, some members of the graduating class have failed to pick up some more traditionally marketable skills. But fear not, your QR was not for naught! Apply your finely honed bullshitting skills and use them to pass for qualified in the job market. Preferably you’ll find one that pays you.
Jake’s is a horrid excuse for a restaurant. It’s where good beef goes to get deader. And also to get terribly cooked and unseasoned and the vegetables are bad too it’s a bad restaurant why why why I hate it so much gross ew.