How to Stay Kool at Kenyon When All You Have are Sweaters

"Is this any better, Squidward? I made this one with my tears." (via twitter.com)

“Is this any better, Squidward? I made this one with my tears.” (via twitter.com)

Unless you’ve been shut in your dorm room all week lamenting the outcome of the Pretty Little Liars finale, you’ve probably noticed that it’s still summer on the Hill. The sun is out, the birds are singing and everyone smells like an awkward middle school dance (women’s deodorant sucks — cut me some slack).

If your wardrobe looks like a ’90s church rummage sale complete with piles and piles of Cosby sweaters, have no fear. You don’t have to go on an online shopping spree in order to tame your inner Ted Striker. Just follow these tips and you’ll be easy, breezy and beautiful in no time.

  • Take off your pants!* Seriously. Any time you enter the privacy of your own dorm room, whip those sweaty puppies off of your tender legumes. A little fresh air on your downstairs will do you some good. Trust me.
  • Pretend you’re athletic! Wear only workout clothes. If anyone asks, you either just went to the KAC or are headed there within the hour. Your friends will probably applaud your dedication to your health, too. Lying is fun!
  • Sweater vest it! Sick and tired of slowly roasting in your weird shabby-chic grandma sweaters? Just cut the sleeves off! Show off them guns! Screw the haters, you’ve got ninety-nine problems and redundant torso fabric ain’t one!
  • Do the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge! Your mom did it, your weird, Internet-savvy relatives did it and hell, even Dame Judi Dench got Dame Judi-DrenchedDivert some of your Wiggin Street funds towards a charitable cause and then go dump water on your head. Who cares if it’s ~*mainstream*~? You’re hip!
  • Become a puppy! Puppies fit inside fridges. Puppies in fridges are cute. Look at them. They’re so comfy and cuddly.

* Definitely consult your roommate(s) first. Use some common sense.

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