Today, US Weekly told me that One Direction was planning on releasing a new album later this year. I relaxed, thinking I still had time to prepare my fallout shelter before 1D’s newest permutation of noise-poison inevitably caused a nuclear event.
Unfortunately, I was wrong. Just as my mind drifted to my New Apt bunker full of non-perishable food, gas masks and toilet paper, a piercing noise filled my ears.
They released a single. It is called “Fireproof”. Don’t click that link.
Scared? It’s okay – Momma Grace is here to make the monsters go away. Follow my lead and you’ll be 1D-free in no time at all.
- Go outside. It’s a nice evening. Get your ass in gear before the sun sets and you could enjoy a pleasant walk through the BFEC.
- Eat some Popchips. The noise of your own chewing will distract you from any snatches of music that might be drifting across Middle Path. Plus, the barbecue flavor is FLAWLE$$.
- Play a violent video game. POW! POW POW! ELIMINATE THE URGE TO CONFORM! REJECT SOCIETY’S CONSTRUCTION OF WHAT IS MEANT TO BE POPULAR! BOOM! BOOOOOM!
- Learn this song and dance and perform it for me. I will laugh.
- Practice your whale calls. This thing I read one time told me that whale noises are some of the loudest sounds on Earth, so maybe your ears will start ringing and then you won’t be able to hear the song ever.
Or, you know, just listen to “Fireproof” and get it over with. It’s actually pretty okay.