Fact-checking with the highest journalistic standards.

You could say that, prior to writing this article, my knowledge of Tinder was pretty limited. On the scale of, “Is it an app for collecting firewood?” to, “Oh yeah I totally just met my freaky freak of the week on there”, I was somewhere in the middle. After a brief Google search and the realization that Ask Jeeves no longer exists, I sat down in my Taft, like Thoreau without the pond, to offer you this stunningly well-informed advice about Kenyon-themed Tinder pick-up lines. Godspeed.

1. ResLife = Thug Life. Go for the gold with a few classic housing-themed lines. Example A: “Yo girl, let’s just say my shaft is about as high as the vaulted ceiling of a third floor Taft.” Right. If you’re feeling a little less outrightly vulgar, you could break the ice with something like, “You must live on the Kenyon Farm because you make my cock a-doodle-doo.”

2. When they’ve “Peirced” your heart. English majors will step “aside” to get on your “assonance” when you drop this line: “But soft! What scent yonder window breaks? It is Peirce Hall, and Juliet is the sun[day brunch].”

3. Consult Kenyon tradition. Play it cool with, “Hey I’ve been known to make first-years sing and seniors week.”

4. Take meow-t tonight. Referencing the Kenyon cat population will never lead you astray (pun intended, of course), so why not give it the old college try and go with, “Meet me outside Peirce and maybe my pussy cat will bat around your yarn balls.”

5. When all else fails. “I have cove.”