Kenyon Krafts: How to Have No Fun on a Fun Weekend

this is a pure wool sweater from Iceland

this is a pure wool sweater from Iceland

You’re lying if you don’t admit that we’ve all been thinking the same thing: FUN HAS BECOME TOO MAINSTREAM. But I have a solution. I know you and I know what you’re thinking- There is no way that anyone with a hot personality like that hotty Meowreen can be good at sucking the fun out of things! Oh, but I am. I can take a weekend with endless possibilities and turn it into a No Fun Weekend. Here’s how to take perfectly good things and make them a little bit less good. Come on! Let’s go!

Go to Old Kenyon in a Purely Wool Sweater- None of that cotton Blend shit. This is real wool. Burlap even! Only wusses would wear a shirt underneath. You will be so hot and so itchy and so sad because you are so hot. Haha, classic!

Wear Noise Cancelling Headphones to a Horn Show with Popsicle Toes playing loudly in your ears- “Are they playing yet? What band is this? Are they any good? I can’t hear a thing over Popsicle Toes which I am playing through these headphones, and that is frustrating!”

Promise- Unprompted- to Sleep on Ransom Lawn on Friday Night- Why would you do that? You will be cold and it might get really loud! But you promised and you are a man of your word. Ugh, it will be so un-fun to watch people walk to fun parties without you!

Chain Yourself to a Tree– Force everyone to swear to you not to let you down. No matter how hard and loudly you beg. You want them to make you stay in that tree in protest of all the trees being cut down, because so many trees have been sacrificed in the name of progress and industrialization. Speak for those trees without mouths to speak for themselves, or legs to run from oppression. Kiss the earth and call to mother nature. Spread pamphlets around campus asking them to attend and under NO CIRCUMSTANCES shall they release you from your leafy prison. It is your home now and you are the modern day Julia “Butterfly” Hill.

But then a couple of hours pass and it is Saturday evening and you really did have some homework to do and it is truly late and you left your phone at home and that bottle of Skinny Girl™ Margarita is sitting in your fridge and you probably shouldn’t have opened it to test it a few weeks ago, because that shit has an expiration date and you should have just waited for a day when you were ready to drink it, and is definitely not in your hand or mouth, which would totally make this easier, and yet here you are. Just.. how unfun.

I really hope you use at least one of these suggestions. Good luck little weirdos. I don’t know why you wanted this information.

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