So You Have Hand, Foot and Mouth Disease

Awww, look at Sackie! So cute. via science.howstuffworks.com

An accurate representation of Sackie’s cute lil’ mug.  via howstuffworks.com

In case you haven’t heard, seen, or suffered yet- Hand, foot, and mouth disease is going around campus. That’s right. An infant’s disease is plaguing our student body full of adults. Now that your college-induced infantile emotional regression is manifesting itself in epidemic form, and you’ve fallen victim to it, what are you left to do? As a survivor on the tail end of the mend, allow me to clue you in.

Hand, foot, and mouth disease is caused by either a strain of Enterovirus or Coxsackie virus. Because hand, foot, and mouth is quite the mouthful, let’s call our tiny virus buddy Sackie.

First of all, if Sackie is wreaking havoc in you right now, then what the hell are you doing reading this? You should be getting as much sleep as you can and spending some quality time with YouTube and Netflix in between. The problem with Sackie is that no one has come up with a drug to deal with him, so you’re pretty much going to have to slap a figurative Band-Aid on him in the form of a truckload of ibuprofen and your bed.

Your hands and feet are going to be covered in gross blisters. They’re going to itch for a day or two. That means sleepless nights spent trying to resist scratching. It’ll be okay, though. Sackie just makes it painful for you to hold stuff and walk but in the end it’s just him moving through your system. Try not to walk as much or do any handy things like woodworking or free soloing the nearest skyscraper.

Perhaps the worst part of Sackie is that he makes it hard to eat, and by hard, I mean impossible. Those spiteful little throat blisters are going to crumple your soul after about a day of trying to eat when every grain of salt feels like a dousing of battery acid. Try not to be too discouraged. I found that Peirce usually has a small collection reliably soft and bland food options. One day I survived solely on wilted spinach sans topping.  Good times, ha ha, that sucked I felt like I was going to die.

Anyways, you might be thinking, “But what if Sackie hasn’t paid me a visit and made me question my will to survive yet?” Well, first of all, I hate you. Second, wash your hands like it’s your job. If you aren’t religious, find a god and pray to it. Sackie may be cute and all but he’s a real, as Katy would say, “Regina George in sheep’s clothing”.

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