This is a feelings heart post that was really gross and not fun to write because I think that feelings are gross.
I used to be more fun. I don’t mean that in a self deprecating way. I really did used to be more fun. The prospect of going out and drinking was exciting and bopping between different NCA’s and New Apts was the greatest. I loved weekends and I loved the way I got to ebb and flow with the crowd- but I don’t get to drink anymore. (CRIES OF INDIGNATION AS THE CROWD FUCKING LOSES IT.)
BUT I also had this big gross skin disease and I was really sad and cried all the time and blah blah blah, BUT the IMPORTANT part is it’s now all better and I’m on medicine that makes it look better and feel better and the world is great. But despite the fact that I am 21 years old in college, the medicine makes it so I can’t drink. Which has been a giant boner of a bummer.
I’ve never had people at Kenyon pressure me to drink, especially not in the way that D.A.R.E. convinced me they would, but there IS pressure and anxiety that stems from it. I will be at a party, and I’ll be watching people move fluidly from conversation to conversation and they talk and laugh and dance and it’s just so poetic and they’ll all live forever and never feel sadness and you all are just be-a-utiful. I move around too, but I feel robotic and I can’t remember how you’re supposed to move your arms when you walk, or what you do with your hands when they aren’t pouring drinks into your mouth, or how to approach people and so I just stand there and think about how everyone must notice that I’m doing a horrible job. It’s enough to make me just want to stay home and say hi to you all in the morning.
For the first time in eighteen years, I sleep through the whole night. I don’t wake up to itching and searing pain. I’m wearing skirts all the time- without tights. People don’t come up to me anymore with magical cures. No one has asked me if I was attacked by someone or something. (Forever my favorite: “What did you do, fall down an entire mountain and not try to stop it?” Yes. You are the first person to nail it.)
I even got a tattoo because for the first time in my life, I can. And I don’t have to worry about it turning into a gross sore. It’s something positive on my body, that I put there because I wanted it there. It will stay there because I want it to. And it doesn’t hurt at all.
I feel good and I’m happy and I’m having a nice time. But I just gotta say- your parties are a lot more fun when I’m drunk.