If you’re like me, you probably show up at small campus gatherings looking like this and smelling like this while still expecting to successfully socialize with seven to ten strangers. Unfortunately, that shit don’t work. Through careful research (which primarily involved me searching for the word “meh” on the Google), I’ve developed a strategy guide to make you a relatively okay partygoer. I can’t make you into a party superstar, but I can certainly put you right in the middle of the pack. I mean, hell, we can’t all achieve our dreams. Lower your expectations. Geez.
- Give a nod and a wave to the party host. Don’t thank them or speak to them or anything respectable like that. Who are you, Antonio Banderas? Mrs. Incredible? Alan Rickman in Galaxy Quest? Know your place. You’re AVERAGE, damnit.
- Dance, but only with your arms. Stop it with that one-two-step nonsense. You’re not going to show anyone up with those knock knees, so why try? Raise the roof! Snap a few times! Smile a little! You’re gonna be fine.
- Socialize for about half of the party. Make sure to enter conversations mid-way through, but at a point in the discussion where you can sort of piece together what’s going on. If you find yourself not talking, don’t worry! You’re doing all right! Just smile and nod at semi-regular intervals. Itching to do a lap for whatever reason? Simply excuse yourself to use the bathroom. You have to be at least kind of polite, even if no one notices.
- Hold the same drink the whole time. Alcoholic, non-alcoholic, what have you, make sure to clutch the same crumbling Solo cup until you leave. You’ll look pathetic, but not “let’s-go-talk-to-them-and-see-what’s-going-on” pathetic.
- Leave at precisely 11:30 P.M. You’ve got a paper to write in the morning. Besides, the party wasn’t that great.