Made in Peirce: A Golem

yeah, this is definitely a good idea. via wikipedia and kenyon.edu

yeah, this is definitely a good idea.
via wikipedia and kenyon.edu

How many times has this happened to you: You go to Peirce, famished, but simply don’t have the arm capacity to shuttle the disgusting quantity of food you want, resulting in needing to go back at least two rounds? Or even worse — you arrive only to find an enormous line at Fusion? And let’s not even START on Kung Pao chicken nights! Who has time for that?! Not you, that’s for sure! Well, here’s the solution to all your problems: make a golem in Peirce! Most people are going to tell you that you need a special type of clay, or purity of purpose or something, but honestly, Peirce ingredients and a combination of hunger and laziness can get you pretty far. (I know this from experience.)

  • Gather your material(s) of choice. Keep in mind that your golem is going to have to be at least large enough to carry a plate for you, and ideally tall enough to interact with AVI employees concerning your toppings at Fusion, so you’re going to want something plentiful.

via Molly Narkis

  • Make sure that you have some sort of a binding agent too, perhaps hummus or some crunchy peanut butter, as long as you’re very careful. You may need to let it solidify for a while. Maybe melt some cheese on it. I don’t know. Get creative.
  • Once your golem is formed and ready to go, write EMETH on it’s forehead to wake it up. PROTIP: Do NOT mess this up. If you write it in sauce, and the sauce falls off, you are going to have problems. This is also a critical step because in order to deactivate your golem, you have to erase the first E. So, be careful.
  • Now that your golem is awake, your going to want to start giving it commands. Probably the best way to do this is to write what you want on pieces of spinach and put them in its mouth. That sounds right to me.
  • Enjoy your Peirce golem! But don’t try to use it for too long! As we all know, Peirce food is best consumed fresh. And tends to rampage if kept too long.
via M. Narkis, wikipedia, me

via M. Narkis, wikipedia, me

My golem gets me grits. Life = hacked.

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