How to Be a Person: Farting During Your Seminar

"A Dream Deferred" by Gracie Potter. (via dudeiwantthat.com)

“A Dream Deferred” by Gracie Potter. (via dudeiwantthat.com)

Although editor emeritus Emma Specter ’15 is the undeniable fart queen of The Thrill (just look at her staff photo), I think I’ve proven at least once that I know a thing or two about embarrassing butt noises. I’ve felt those tummy rumblies as my Peirce dinner uncomfortably works its way through my digestive tract during my God-knows-how-long seminar. I’ve tried to ignore the slight growl that escapes from my lower pelvis every time I unsuccessfully divert a forthcoming fart from my general cheek area. What I’m trying to say is, I’m an everyman’s man. I know what it’s like to live in fear. And I’m here to help my fellow men and women escape from the ensnarement of social convention. I’m going to teach you how to fart in public. After you read this, not only will you fart at will; you will FART WITH CONFIDENCE. If that doesn’t get you in a tizzy, I don’t know what will.

  • Get your shoes wet. I don’t care if this rainy spell passes over and there isn’t a puddle in sight; find a way. Then, if you need to let loose an anal salute in class, you can just shuffle those Hush Puppies around a little. The squeak squeakin’ squeak squeakitties should give you enough audial cover to mask any poots and toots your little tushie might squeeze out.
  • Wear some TIGHTY whities. There’s nothing more fart-dampening than a pair of thick, tight panties. If you’re feeling like a gassy antelope as you ready yourself for the day, throw on your snuggest pair of drawers (along with, you know, some pants or something) and confidently strut about your day. Nothing can stop you from making the world your toilet! Alternatively, if you have a pair of butt cuddlers that happen to have some sort of cheek-splitting mechanism (e.g. a g-string), wearing them will be just as effective.
  • Crop dustIt’s crude, it’s disrespectful to those around you, and it’s not the easiest thing to pull off. But I’ll be damned if crop dusting isn’t one of the most effective fart dispersion techniques ever to grace this Earth. Just make sure to steer clear of your professor. Yikes.
  • Cough, and loudly. The Krud is still working its way around campus, right? There’s your excuse. If you pull this off correctly, you’ll be able to both expel your under thunder and garner sympathy for your “illness” from your classmates. Jackpot, am I right?
  • Follow your fart with Urkel’s catchphraseDid you do that? Hell yeah you did.

4 responses

  1. i want to say thank you for this post. I’ve felt marginalized, nay shunned, for my inability to hold in farts. At first, I let the cruel words of campus-wide wet blankets get me down, let them mock me for my reverberant flatulence. Then I realized- this is who I am. I am a human cigarette boat- I will revv my engine and let my gas escape free. For this to be affirmed by the thrill finally makes me feel so welcome and safe on campus, especially with the poop-positive result of the parents weekend poll. All i can say to my brothers and sisters in arms- is LET IT ALL GO. BE JACK THE RIPPER AND RIP IT REAL GOOD. FOLLOW YOUR FART. WE ARE HERE AND WE AND OUR OVERACTIVE GUTS WILL NOT BE SILENCED.

  2. Pingback: An Open Letter to All Overeager Post-Break BFFs | The Thrill

  3. Pingback: Attention English Majors: Your Ego Has Been Padded | The Thrill

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