Although editor emeritus Emma Specter ’15 is the undeniable fart queen of The Thrill (just look at her staff photo), I think I’ve proven at least once that I know a thing or two about embarrassing butt noises. I’ve felt those tummy rumblies as my Peirce dinner uncomfortably works its way through my digestive tract during my God-knows-how-long seminar. I’ve tried to ignore the slight growl that escapes from my lower pelvis every time I unsuccessfully divert a forthcoming fart from my general cheek area. What I’m trying to say is, I’m an everyman’s man. I know what it’s like to live in fear. And I’m here to help my fellow men and women escape from the ensnarement of social convention. I’m going to teach you how to fart in public. After you read this, not only will you fart at will; you will FART WITH CONFIDENCE. If that doesn’t get you in a tizzy, I don’t know what will.
- Get your shoes wet. I don’t care if this rainy spell passes over and there isn’t a puddle in sight; find a way. Then, if you need to let loose an anal salute in class, you can just shuffle those Hush Puppies around a little. The squeak squeakin’ squeak squeakitties should give you enough audial cover to mask any poots and toots your little tushie might squeeze out.
- Wear some TIGHTY whities. There’s nothing more fart-dampening than a pair of thick, tight panties. If you’re feeling like a gassy antelope as you ready yourself for the day, throw on your snuggest pair of drawers (along with, you know, some pants or something) and confidently strut about your day. Nothing can stop you from making the world your toilet! Alternatively, if you have a pair of butt cuddlers that happen to have some sort of cheek-splitting mechanism (e.g. a g-string), wearing them will be just as effective.
- Crop dust. It’s crude, it’s disrespectful to those around you, and it’s not the easiest thing to pull off. But I’ll be damned if crop dusting isn’t one of the most effective fart dispersion techniques ever to grace this Earth. Just make sure to steer clear of your professor. Yikes.
- Cough, and loudly. The Krud is still working its way around campus, right? There’s your excuse. If you pull this off correctly, you’ll be able to both expel your under thunder and garner sympathy for your “illness” from your classmates. Jackpot, am I right?
- Follow your fart with Urkel’s catchphrase. Did you do that? Hell yeah you did.