Ask The Hole in The Cove Wall Covered by Two Menus

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Dear Hole in The Cove Wall Covered by Two Menus,

There have been a lot of health fads recently–paleo diet, raw food diet, juicing, what have you– and I’ve only ever gotten a couple days into any of them. Why is something that’s supposed to be so good for me able to make me feel so weak and unfulfilled? From an evolutionary standpoint, shouldn’t the things that taste the best be the best for me? I just want to get into a routine that involves the right foods in the right way. What’s the basic dietary plan I should be following?



Dear Hungry,

Haha, what? You’re having so much fun.  Don’t go home at a time like this! No–keep looking into me. Don’t leave. Being here is the fun and normal thing to do, and people enjoy doing it! You will do it, and you will be fulfilled. College is great. So great that you might want to come a little closer because I’m not hiding any teeth.

Dear Hole in The Cove Wall Covered by Two Menus,

Here we go again. Another winter, another battle with dry skin. It’s my legs and arms, mostly. One day, it’s fall and the living is easy, and the next, all the leaves are gone and I’ve scratched myself raw. It’s agony. I wake up in the middle of the night, I can’t focus in class–I can’t even wear jeans, for Pete’s sake! I’m desperate. Do you have any go-to products for curing that dry winter itch?


I Just Want To Sleep Without Bleeding

Dear I Just Want To Sleep Without Bleeding,

Seriously, don’t be scared! Employers see your resume and they swoon. You are paying so much money to be at a good school and because of that you will have a good life. You’ve been so lucky in life so far–why wouldn’t that continue? Hey. No. Don’t go talk to your friends. You don’t need them. You have me. And I’m here to tell you that life is one big exciting adventure and I will not eat you.


Dear Hole in The Cove Wall Covered by Two Menus,

That’s it. I’ve had it. Technology has gone too far. What happened to just riding a bike? Reading a book? Baking bread? When did it all turn into “poking” and “chatsnapping” and “email.” Kids these days don’t know how to live life. How do I get my grandchildren to turn of their smartphones (DUMBphones is more like it) and appreciate the little things?



Dear Jeff,

That’s it. Just reach your hand out. Don’t cry! You will be loved again! Things are just getting started for you, and you will meet someone who thinks you’re wonderful. In fact, you might have already. Oh, don’t get coy now! Just take a look inside me. I’m just an innocent hole punched in the wall by a heartbroken student whose Mac n’ Cheese wedges were stolen and not, as rumor would have you believe, a sentient void who dismembered the delivery driver and ate a dog.

4 responses

  1. Pingback: Kenyon Siblings: The Foxes | The Thrill

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