Interested in what your most recent order at Wiggin Street means for your future? All of these horoscopes are definitely derived from science so buckle up and and take a deep breath. Honestly, I don’t know anything, but listen to me anyway.

Black coffee – You obviously don’t have any time for bullshit because you don’t even have time to put anything in your coffee. Something tells me (might be the stars, might be your aversion to Splenda) that you aren’t interested in interacting with anyone today. You’re going to spend the day in a comfortable silence and socially acceptable solitude somewhere. Maybe it’s 3rd floor Olin, the top of Ascension, or that gazebo in the middle of the NCAs.* If you ever do choose to talk to anyone, have a mint first.

Green Tea – Your calmness is going to be crucial for today. You’re going to encounter forces that may hinder your tranquility but ignore them. Don’t let a dark cloud follow you all day. Go to a yoga class.Take a deep breath. Are those things that people who drink green tea do? I don’t know I’m trying. Also, if you’re anything like me, be sure to let your tea cool off because I always inadvertently burn my throat. 

Nonfat Frozen Vanilla Latte with Whipped Cream – You like your sweet things so spread your love. Smile at everyone you accidentally make eye contact with today. Say thank you whenever you see fit. Send three pizzas to McBride 121 tonight. Your kindness will not go unnoticed; so sit back, enjoy your blended beverage, and maybe go to a dentist soon.

Triple espresso – For you, everything comes in threes. Three shots of espresso, three eye twitches a minute, three hours of sleep, etc. It is critical that you maintain this pattern all day, or else the forces of nature may be disrupted. Don’t let the skeptics stop you from fulfilling your destiny–shake your salt shaker three times, wave at an acquaintance three times, force yourself to sneeze three times (Is that bad for you? Hope not). Also, maybe you should get more sleep.

*Re: the gazebo – why is it there, what is it’s purpose, and finally can I get married under it?