I don’t know if you all heard but allegedly- (and I say allegedly because I have seen Legally Blonde and I do NOT want to get sued)- there was a goat that escaped during Fall Fest. A freaking goat. There was a goat who was supposed to be in one place and he left it to find a new place. I have spent a lot of time with goats- a lot of carnal relations with farmers if you know what I mean, so I am going to take you into the mind of the goat and answer the question on everyone’s mind: “Where was he going and I thought this girl graduated?” I am not responsible for his escape, though. I want to make that clear.
1. Crozier. He heard about the free lube and really knows how to please a smooch buddy… This is all speculation. I had nothing to do with it so I don’t know for a FACT what his goal was.
2. Farr. His friend Billy just made him a fake K-Card and he was seeing if it could get him into the building. Once again, I don’t know that for certain. A…friend told me. And boy I have a lot of those.
3. Catching the Shuttle to Mt. Vernon. I’m just assuming, with no more knowledge about the goat than you, that he is a fan of T-Swift and wanted the new album. (If you haven’t bought it yet, you really are missing out on an important milestone in her career.) Or maybe not. This is all debatable.
4. Gund Commons. Maybe he was the one who has been ruining everything?! Again, I was not involved though- so even *if* it does turn out that he is the culprit, I was in a meeting at the time.
5. The Bathroom. I just think it’s a little messed up that we get to use toilets but livestock are expected to just live in their own excrement. Like, I’m really sorry, but *I* was taught, “Treat others how you want to be treated.” And I want a goat to treat me like a human so I’m going to treat him like a human. Whoever let him out probably had good reason and it probably was an act of humanitarianism that was completely noble and well researched, like when Summer let out all of those rabbits in the O.C. because we know that she loved rabbits. And that lock on the goat’s pen was crazy hard to unlock- I assume. I’m not saying that whoever let the goat out is a hero, but they should be talked about like they are, and maybe offered a cash prize.