Who doesn’t love McDonald’s? I love McDonald’s. You love McDonald’s.
I love it more than you can know.
If you don’t love McDonald’s you ought to be quiet or leave…
I love Big Macs, Quarter Pounders, Chicken McNuggets, Filet-O-Fishes, French Fries, McFlurries, Fish Bites, Sausage McMuffins, Egg McMuffins, Fruit and Yogurt Parfaits, Apple Pies, Big Breakfasts, Deluxe Big Breakfasts and Snack Wraps. You name it, I love it.
Mt. Vernon is a pretty big town, big enough to bear three McDonald’s. Three to six times a week I find myself sitting in my apartment wondering which of these establishments I’ll allow to satisfy my desire for a Steak, Egg and Cheese Bagel or a nice cup of Broccoli Cheese Soup. I’m assuming you have the same problem? Yes, good. I’m going to solve it for you. In order to prepare for Soiree this Saturday I visited each location and ordered and consumed a simple cheeseburger. My associate, Adam helped me in my mission by doing the same with a humble Filet-O-Fish. Here’s our definitive power ranking.
Coshocton Location
Oh boy, I love this McDonald’s. Mostly because I can hit it, Arby’s and Long John Silver’s in one fell swoop. It’s also the most geographically convenient for us Kenyon kidz. Here’s the scoop:
Holding on for dear life
Cheeseburger: This place serves them up with love. In the patty I noticed notes of wild boar, coffee and sweet, red Madeira. The bun was your standard fare, but I noticed that they warmed it slightly for my enjoyment. I looked at the dude behind the counter, gesturing to the bun with my unoccupied hand. He just gave me a shy smile back.
Adam Reed, ’15, sweetly anticipating the pleasure
Filet-O-Fish: Eh, not the best I’ve had. They clearly are using haddock here instead of the bass you tend to find at McDonald’s of the better sort. Nice tartar though, think they might have added some thyme. Bun’s on point.
The One by Southside
This is definitely the one your dad took you too. It’s the obvious choice for when you’re caravanning into Gambier with your mem-mem and pep-pep, bright eyed and bushy tailed in anticipation of the coming school year. Here’s the scoop:
Opening the burger to test the doneness of the patty
Cheeseburger: Sadly, not the best. I ordered it medium-rare but what I got was definitely done well or medium well. When I stated my preference the woman behind the counter gave me a knowing laugh, which I assumed implied respect for my good taste. Now I’m not so sure. The ketchup was nice but the mustard left a little to be desired. The bun was decent though, about what I’ve come to expect.
Tender
Filet-O-Fish: Oh boy, this is marvelous. The panko breading is light and ethereal. The way it cradles the gentle bounty of sea-flesh inside makes you stop for a moment and just chew because swallowing means you’ll soon have to say goodbye. The bun was pretty good, there’s something delightfully familiar about it.
Conjoined Historic McGasStation
History lives
Oh yes, dear reader, I know you’re scratching your head wondering where that pesky third burger house is located. Well you’ll soon know. If you drive north out of town heading toward Cleveland, you’ll see our final subject of consideration. This one has a couple defining features. First off, it’s got pictures on the wall commemorating its rich history, second it’s hooked up to a gas/convenient food retailer, so you can run some other errands while waiting to tuck into your Cinnamon Melt. Here’s the scoop:
After consuming so many sandwiches I could no longer bear the shame
Cheeseburger: Huh, I’m not sure how to feel about this one. On the one hand, the cheese was unlike anything I’ve had before. It was sharp yet gentle, motherly yet seductive. It melted perfectly; conforming to the patty in ways I could only have fantasized about while thumbing through my auntie’s cookbooks. On the other hand, I’m pretty sure the meat they gave me was chicken. Was it chicken? I’ll never know. By the time I thought to ask, the gobbling was all over. Bun was about right, soft and sweet.
Number 1 Handsome Sandwich
Filet-O-Fish: Awful, clearly chicken and not fish. I only eat sea-flesh, not land-flesh. What do I look like, a ranch hand? Only part I can’t find anything to complain about was the bun, pretty standard.
And a McRib, for your pleasure.
The Kenyon Thrill 
good job, thrill
The Thrill staff ought to study and take notes on this post. I am a senior, and this is, by far, the best post you guys have put out in four years. It’s hilarious and tastefully self-conscious. Many Thrill writers love to pepper in “amirites” and self-reverential parenthetical asides, which, to be frank, are obnoxious.
Also stop deleting my comments. I’m trying to be constructive. I am one of the three people that actually reads your blog. I’m pretty much having conversations with myself.
Just responding to make clear that The Thrill never deletes comments. If it violates our comment policy it is moderated, but never deleted. If you don’t see your comments on articles, it must be a technical issue with WordPress. Don’t worry, LilB. We definitely hear you.
I notice that the “McGangBang” (the author’s true favorite McD’s sandwich) has not entered into play in this article. However, you can definitely make it up to your readership by writing an article about all you can eat fish and $4 long island ice tea night at the cove.
Oh that’s next.
You speak the truth, sweet Anonymous, you speak the truth.