Yeah, yeah, yeah. You’re going abroad next semester! You have the sophomore slump! Your athlete’s foot traveled to your armpits! Whatever. So you’ve got problems and the whole kit and kaboodle. And then your professor emails you about a lecture you should attend or homework you should do or, maybe, just about how she knows that you’re picking your nose in class and wiping it on the table–slowly sculpting your gooey fluids into a shrine of the person in front of you. That’s 100% some nasty-ass creepy shit, man. Anyway. Before you reply, make sure your turkey brain isn’t talking and don’t respond in the following ways:

1. Allstu all the way. ‘Twas the night before class and all through the dorm, no one was stirring, except some dude watching porn. Alarms were set near the bed on the chair, with hopes of class being canceled fresh in the air. And as the poor student climbed into bed, he sensed a new email, but was it just in his head? Much to his sorrow it was not to be, an email appeared from his professor, titled, READ ME. As he opened the email he grimaced with despair, for newly assigned homework was there. He thought, I will not do it! I will not imbibe! I will reply UNSUBSCRIBE! And so went his grade, down the chimney like Saint Nic, into the flames, as ‘send’ his finger did flick.

2. The ‘automatic’ fail. “This is an automated response. The student is out of her mind and will be consumed by various drugs and Netflix until Saturday, December 20, 2014, with very limited email access (I mean like ANTARCTICA limited).  If you have an urgent issue, please contact the student at biteme@kenyon.edu or call 867-5309. If this is an emergency, Campus Safety can be reached at (740) 427-5000. Thank you for your consideration.”

3. Personal emails that are too personal. “You’re just like my parents, DISAPPOINTED. Always disappointed. Look down. LOOK DOWN. Do you see that? You see the ground? THAT’S WHERE MY SELF-ESTEEM IS. You know that one time when we talked about cats in class? Well mine DIED. Yeah. DIED. —Best, Annaliese Milano ’16 B.A. in Take That Bitchez with a concentration in HOW’D YOU LIKE ME NOW. ”

4. One-word responses. “Meh,” “Boobies,” “Pubes,” and “Cheesebutt?” We’ll keep it simple: NO.

5. Chain mail. \\__//

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Look at this man for ten seconds. Then scroll down. You’ll see the future!

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|       RIP      |

| Your grade |

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