(via kenyon.edu)

Hey ladies and germs. I hope your 2015s are off to a great start. I puked in an Uber but let’s not dwell on the past. Let’s look onwards and upwards to how we can make this year the best one yet, and that starts with all of us. As I enter my last semester on this campus, I’ve come up with a few resolutions that we can work on together to make Kenyon a happier place for all of us. Add any and all of your Kenyon resolutions in the comments!

1. Let’s stop making weird eye contact through the windows of Wiggle. If we all just look where we’re walking and not at each other, we’ll avoid that awkward moment and also probably leave campus this year without herpes.
2. Let’s find my hat, it’s in an NCA somewhere. It’s solid blue and fitted and it’s pretty cold out so I just want you to think of my ears while you look.
3. The fact that we’ve never done some kind of flash mob on Middle Path is abhorrent and I graduate this semester so.*
4. I also think it would be great if one night we all got together and instead, we cooked dinner for Peirce. I have a car so I can take like three people to Kroger for ingredients but I was thinking maybe some kind of pasta dish? We’ll talk.
5. Let’s just get things off to a better start than this:

*This hasn’t happened, right? I know you guys are gonna be mean to me if it has.