10 o’clock list: Jobs the CDO Will Not Help You Find

Job is all like: “How does OTPHJ work if I don’t have pants?”

Hand jobs and the dude named Job in the bible. These are two types of jobs the CDO will never find you. But hey, one of them probably never existed. Which one very likely depends upon the quality of your sex life. Regardless, whether you’re graduating this year or just looking for some summer employment, you should expect that the CDO will not find you the following varieties of employment:

1. Sperm donor. With minimal degree requirements, applicants are merely expected to have a firm grip and quick hands for this entry-level job to go just swimmingly. Many recent grads have commented, “It semens to me that if this doesn’t scream ‘Symplicity’, I don’t know what the CDO is into these days.” 

2. “Discreet Webcam Job.” NSA spy or home-based porn star? We’ll never know. Either way, when it comes to this career, the CDO is CD-OUT. Hello Craigslist my old friend.

3. Grandpa at Grandpa’s CheesebarnThis unique combination of entrepreneurial prowess and geriatric qualities is simply not something one can just find. It’s something you BREATHE. Possibly through an oxygen tank.

4. Graham Gund. Even if the CDO could get you Double G’s job, you would miss your appointment. Because he hates clocks. Coincidence? I think not.

5. Women’s hair-loss research subject. Hey, you might not make the cover of the alumni magazine, but this career will certainly keep you out of hairy situations. No need to “plug” your resumé anymore, amirite?

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