New Year, new semester, new you. Or something like that. But what do the stars say about the coming months and your luck (or lack thereof) at Kenyon? Let me look into my crystal ball and ask the spiritual forces at play here. Or text them. That’d be easier. I have unlimited texting.

Capricorn (December 22-January 20): You know that class you’re on the line about Pass/Failing? Get your ass to the Registrar’s Office or this semester is gonna be a lot tougher than it needs to be.

Famous Kenyon Capricorn: E.L. Doctorow (January 6, 1931)

Keep reading for all the zodiac signs!

Aquarius (January 21-February 19): Three weeks into the semester, a Middle Path slip will make you bump into your main squeeze of the semester. Just be careful come spring break: they may want to hold tight, but you’re bound to slip over to other people.

Famous Kenyon Aquarius: Olof Palme (January 30, 1927)

Pisces (February 20-March 20): Stay away from Bexley Hall. Just trust me on this one. The last thing we need is a new Kenyon ghost.

Famous Kenyon Pisces: Jim Borgman (February 24, 1954)

Aries (March 21-April 20): That person that you think you have feelings for but aren’t sure you do but what if they did oh my god it’s all too real…… ask them to go to the VI. Just do it. (And before some other Aries does.)

Famous Kenyon Aries: Shaka Smart (April 8, 1977)

Taurus (April 21-May 21): It’s gonna be okay, gentle Taurus. By the time the sun starts shining again, you’re going to be walking around with a skip in your step. Just take it one day at a time.

Famous Kenyon Taurus: Laura Hillenbrand (May 15, 1967)

Gemini (May 22-June 21): Yes, trying to get into the Ascension Observatory is a bad idea. But no, you won’t get caught. If you discover a new planet, name it Kluge.

Famous Kenyon Gemini: Robie Macauley (May 31, 1919)

Cancer (June 22-July 22): Buckle down for a rough winter. Your Wednesday seminar seems like it’ll be the absolute worst, but don’t worry. Your Tuesday seminar’s gonna be even worse.

Famous Kenyon Cancer: Bill Watterson (July 5, 1958)

Leo (July 23-August 22): While it wasn’t exactly your fault, someone’s gotta fess up to Campus Safety about the broken window. It won’t be as bad as you think.

Famous Kenyon Leo: Josh Radnor (July 29, 1974)

Virgo (August 23-September 23): Getting more involved on campus will help you make this place your home. Joining a committee seems daunting, but it’ll help you in the long run.

Famous Kenyon Virgo: John Green (August 24, 1977)

Libra (September 24-October 23): Your life isn’t a Wes Anderson movie. Stop pretending it is and do your homework.

Famous Kenyon Libra: Rutherford B. Hayes (October 4, 1822)

Scorpio (October 24-November 22): Stay away from the poodles.

Famous Kenyon Scorpio: Allison Janney (November 19, 1959)

Sagittarius (November 23-December 21): Hide that vodka bottle right now because your CA is coming for an impromptu visit. And you don’t want to disappoint your mother. Again.

Famous Kenyon Sagittarius: Edwin M. Stanton (December 19, 1814)