The Kenyon Gaming Chronicles: Part I

What's that in the distance? It's... it's the promise of a better tomorrow.

What’s that in the distance? It’s… it’s the promise of a better tomorrow.

In an effort to make your down time that much more fun n flirty, I have decided to review every free-to-play game on Steam. Sure, our goal is lofty, but these games are affordable, omnipresent and simple to download – what could possibly go wrong?

Here’s the first of many (y’know, as long as we don’t get bored):

Here we go.

Here we go.

For our first free-to-play extravaganza, I chose to download the charming “Get Off My Lawn!”, and an indie game developed by some company called “Digital Leisure.” After closely examining this Clint Eastwood knockoff’s blocky frontbutt and poorly rendered flower bushes, I can only assume “leisure” refers to the laid-back attitude these kids adopted while coding their game. No wonder Cheap Eastwood looks so damn angry; his half-textured lawn seems barely worth defending. Ah, well. Title screens are title screens, right? Let’s dive into the gameplay.

Screen Shot 2015-01-23 at 6.11.53 PMAfter the game instructed me to press A, D and the spacebar to control Shit Eastwood, I was left on my own, confused and upset. I noticed the flying saucer having some sort of mild seizure, and suddenly it spat out a couple of blue toddlers. They waddled toward me as if I was their long-lost grandfather, their big, black eyes blinking innocently as they held out their arms for a tender embrace. But the tutorial told me to press spacebar to shoot, so I did. They died. I wept.

Screen Shot 2015-01-23 at 6.07.48 PMThank you, maroon shirt, I whispered amidst soft sobs. I will go on.

Screen Shot 2015-01-23 at 6.13.49 PMThe spaceship spat out a couple more toddlers, including this one. I affectionately dubbed him “Big Daddy.” His eyes were angry and his walk offended my sweater vest ensemble, so I shot him without mercy. The smoke from my musket burned my eyes as my wicked grin widened. Get off my lawn, bastards. Get off my lawn and stay there. This was getting fun.

Screen Shot 2015-01-23 at 6.12.26 PMA couple of toddlers stole this clown car, I guess. I blew it up. It felt like heaven.

Screen Shot 2015-01-23 at 6.07.48 PM 2Only then did I notice the “powerups” in the corner of my screen. Somehow a hearing aid with built-in wifi, Salvador Dali’s favorite clock, and a flaming Valentine’s Day card were supposed to aid me in my quest to rid my precious lawn of blue scum. I never figured out how to use them. Maybe that’s why I died after reaching only level 7. Ah, well. Live and learn.

Overall Score: None pizza with left beef. This game was poor, not good and also bad. Just go play DoTA or something.

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