Getting Freaky, Volume XII: Colloquial Coitus

via fitocracy.com

via fitocracy.com

Whether you’ve just begun your journey into freakitude or you began it long ago, The Thrill is here to help you improve your safe, consensual sexy sex times by answering your most burning questions. Have a question about x-rated materials? Send us an e-mail at thekenyonthrill@gmail.com with the subject line Sex Q and we’ll answer it in our next edition. Feeling embarrassed? Not to worry– we’ve set up a Gmail account to allow for anonymous questions. The username is “gettingfreakythrill” and the password is “thethrill”. Log in and shoot us an email, and your question may be featured on the blog!

In case the topic hasn’t already been beaten to death by over-eager first years reveling in the joy of their first snowfall, it’s mid-winter here on the hill. Homework is getting serious, sleepless nights are all too common and everyone is slowly becoming equal parts angsty teen and old curmudgeon.

Thankfully, Getting Freaky is here to help you smile again. Rather than bog you down in facts and statistics, I’m giving you the chance to revel in the glory of a few Kenyon-related sex euphemisms that are sure to get your partner in the mood. (Warning: Don’t use these. They’re straight up terrible.)

  • Opening their Gates of Hell. Make those bad guys good for a weekend.
  • “Wiggling”. Alternatively, call your bedroom “Wiggle Ground”. That totally won’t gross anyone out.
  • Scoring a Dingle. If you’re lucky, you might get to live there for a couple of semesters.
  • Peircing their “Comfort” section. This one gives you an excuse to eat mac and cheese sandwiches after the act, which, let’s face it, is the best post-sex snack anyone could ask for.
  • Petting the feral cat. You know, the feral cat.
  • Getting Smathered. Your sex will become the foremost study in human anatomy.
  • KACing off. For those nights when your partner just isn’t in the mood.

Stay warm, don’t stress and have consensual sex if you’d like.

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