February is upon us, and we all know that means it’s almost time to celebrate the pulsating muscle inside us all: the yak human heart. Yes, it is the season of seduction. Allure. Romance. And as someone who’s participated in a mutual mouth touch at least 0.268 times, I am fully qualified to walk you through the steps of having the sultriest evening of your life without having to leave campus. Strap yourselves in, kiddos, because you’re about to take the love journey of a lifetime.

1) Find a date. Sing a mournful Lithuanian folk song as you scuttle to class on Valentine’s Day. Your throaty warbles will no doubt attract one suitable mate, if not several. If you have a cold, remember: embrace the phlegm. Let it slowly coat your insides, encasing your intestines with its tender caresses.

2) Prepare the food.  If, like me, you’ve had your esophagus removed accidentally during a routine dental cleaning, the aesthetic of the meal is all that matters. Celebrate the thick, goopy blood coursing through your veins by only eating food of the brightest crimson.

3) Get your outfit ready. Dark, dark colors are so in right now. I especially like them because they conceal the black hole residing just under my larynx. Show your date that you know have fun by adding a pop of color! You could use any bright hue: beige, tan, mushroom, taupe–literally anything that screams pizzazz. I personally chose a darling satchel from a local business.

5) Accessorize. Switch it up by wearing two different earrings! I chose one glittery heart to suit the occasion.

I also picked an earring that I “made” at “camp” when I was “young”. It’s always a good move to prove to your date that you are a human person who had a human childhood. You haven’t stagnantly festered on this planet for millenia, watching continents shift and civilizations crumble. Of course not. You have a homemade earring.

6) Pick a location. There’s no place steamier than college showers. Don’t let the damp deter you. Embrace this chance to have your skin finally match the inside of your mouth, moisture-wise. Go ahead and turn on the shower while you wait! It will give you something to do while waiting for your date to arrive and ensure that you don’t shrivel into a pillar of salt.

7) Shrivel into a pillar of salt anyway. Ugh. Every time.