10 o’clock list: Coffee Drinks For Your Major

Your studying style is definitely this picturesque (via tokyotimes.com)

Your studying style is definitely this picturesque (via tokyotimes.com)

So you learn quite a few things about people when you start working at a coffee shop (yes, I work at Wiggin Street—you can refer to me as your hero, your queen, your goddess of caffeine–and hey, feel free to throw some appreciation in the tip jar–mac and cheese wedges ain’t cheap). One of the first lessons you learn on the job is that you can tell a lot about someone based on what they order for their early morning pick-me-up. And when you work on a college campus? It’s not hard to start seeing patterns across certain groups. Specifically—the ways people’s majors affect their coffee choices. In case you’ve ever been curious while eyeing up a hottie at Wiggle Ground, here’s a little cheat sheet I’ve prepared to help you pick out people’s majors based on their coffee orders. It should give you some idea of what to chat about while you’re both at the counter putting raw sugar in your drinks.

1. English: Black coffee. I’ve got your number, kid—you want coffee as black as the human condition, don’t you? You want to be reminded of Conrad’s Heart of Darkness during the bleak hours of the early morning, when you’re staring into your cup hoping it might hold the mysteries of the universe. Or maybe you like black coffee because it reminds you of your ideal writing style—no frills, no fuss, straight to the point, but also like, refined, y’know? Whatever the reason is, it’s probably loaded with religious symbolism. I mean, what isn’t?

2. Math and Science: Red Eyes. For the uninformed, a Red Eye is black coffee with a shot of espresso—and boy, do you guys need it. As a social sciences major, I have only heard whispers of what goes on in the Squad after dark. But whatever it is, it sounds terrifying, and caffeine is probably the only thing that will ever make it okay. So don’t worry—when I see you zombie-walking my way just after opening time in the morning, I’ll hook you up with what you need. And if you’re really desperate, you can try a Black Eye (black coffee with two shots of espresso). Just—be safe okay? We love you.

3. Studio Art: Tea. Y’all got that tea game on lock. But I guess you guys are most qualified to appreciate the drink’s aesthetic—and I have to admit, there really is something very soothing about a tea bag floating in the mason jars you whip out just for the occasion. Definitely Instagram-worthy—have you considered doing photography? Alternatively, try dumping the tea out of the bag for a new twist. The patterns in the dregs might just lead to your next artistic breakthrough–but beware of the Grim.

4. International Studies: Espresso. You probably developed a taste for it while you were studying abroad in Italy, right? And it’s just so hard to go back to American coffee culture when you’ve lived in some place with really good coffee, isn’t it? Yeah, I get it. I’ll even look the other way while you stealthily dump three sugars into your double shot. Your secret’s safe with me.

5. Women and Gender Studies: Iced mochas, Frozen Chais, Skinny Vanilla Lattes. These majors drink mainstream beverages that patriarchal society might mock as being indulgent and “girly.” We all know that mockery is coming from a power structure that consistently belittles and dismisses things women enjoy. Y’know, like iced coffees, yoga, equal rights—all those ridiculous luxuries girls go crazy about. So yeah, stop by for a Frozen Galaxy Latte on your way to crush the patriarchy—you deserve it.

Honorable mention- Psychology: whatever the hell you want. I’m not going to try to psychoanalyze your choices. You’re probably already doing it yourself. Do you think going out on a limb and trying a Frozen Dubliner Mocha means you’d score higher than average on “openness to new experiences?” Hmmm. Maybe you should do a study about it…

2 responses

Share your thoughts on this post.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: