If you’re anything like me then one of you’re favorite things to do is read the Village Record and read about all the entertaining things that happened over the weekend. It’s like an official Yik-Yak. However, sometimes it’s a bit boring – underage drinking, and noise disturbances – the same old things over and over again. Imagine if it were even more exciting in this list of things you wouldn’t see on the Village Record.
1. Conspiracy – Surprisingly enough, there isn’t a lot of this running around campus. Or perhaps the conspirators on campus are too discrete to be caught? I mean, according to Kenyon sources, Spiro Agnew may have been framed…
2. Treason – Generally, Kenyon students are benefited by the continued existence of the United States government–and, according to the Gund Gallery’s recent instillation, capitalism–so there really is no need to overthrow our elected officials and install a new government. Yet.
3. Organized Crime – The Mafia doesn’t have any affiliates on campus, so we’re pretty safe from this threat. I’d be willing to bet that this one stays off the Village Record for a while, unless someone wants to start up a branch with me.
4. Health Care Fraud – None of us are practicing medicine illegally and I must say that makes me feel better. Mostly because I can barely get my life together, and I would feel even worse if I found out someone was able to do this for a while before being caught. Too impressive.
5. Excessive Happiness – This isn’t a crime, so it wouldn’t be seen on the Village Record. #loopholes (Unless it’s from drugs, then it’s definitely on the Village Record.)