My yes, Comps. Maybe they’ve happened for you, maybe you’ve got a little time, maybe they’re coming right up. We all have to take them, most of us will pass, some of us won’t. If you think you may be cruising for a spot among the unlucky few, you may want to consult this handy little checklist. Chances are it will either entirely allay or horribly amplify your fears. Enjoy!
1. Your nerves are out of control:
Your hands have started shaking so vigorously that you are no longer capable of writing, typing or even thinking about anything other than the shaking of your hands. The shaking has started to spread to your arms, followed by your trunk, going to your neck and legs, ending in the un-ignorable vibration of your brain. The trembles cause the boundless misery sweat to spray off your body, like water coming off a dog after a pleasant trip to the lake. If you’ve made it to this point, chances are you’re in no state to study for or take comps, let alone pass. Go to the doctor. Seek medication.
2. Any time you say something in class your professors can’t stop laughing
“You think you’re pretty smart, don’t you? You little piece of trash,” they say, chuckling about the ridiculous things you think you know about Hobbes and Nietzsche. Your classmates try to be kind, but can barely stifle their contempt-filled chortles. “Go on, laugh at it,” your professor says “the little ingrate clearly doesn’t care about this course or belong at this college.” At that point, your classmates are unable to hold it in any longer and erupt into laughter. “Go on then, leave, wouldn’t you rather play with your Legos®, you helpless little child?” they say. If your classroom experience has come to this, you can be fairly sure that comps are no longer within your grasp.
3. All of your dreams are about drowning
Oh my dear, I know how this one feels. You’ve just brewed yourself a pleasant cup of Bigelow® brand Constant Comment®/Orange Spice® to calm yourself down before a night of gentle sleep. All of a sudden you find that your peaceful, restorative pleasure nap has degenerated into a dreadful nightmarescape. Maybe you’re stuck under the water in your childhood friend Cooper’s swimming pool, maybe you’ve fallen into a vat of Limited Edition Crystal Pepsi®, but either way you can’t draw in a single breath. This not just a sign of stress, but a message straight from your subconscious that as far as academics are concerned, you’re pretty much dead in the water.
4. The signs of the end times have become clearly visible
There is no doubt about it at this point. The world is going to end. It’s going to be awfully hard to study when surrounded by winged and wild creatures, locust plagues, and seven-headed beasts, won’t it? You can try to close yourself up in the library and just focus, but the fires outside and horrible utterances spoken by the demons taking up residence on third floor are likely to be very distracting. Also worth noting, the kind, virtuous professors that were probably going to be the easiest graders have already been called up to paradise. Only the hard-asses remain on our fiery, dying world.
5. You are turned to stone by the gaze of one of the roving Gorgons released from Hell to claim the earth as their own:
Do I really need to tell you that a immobile statue cannot even sit to take a test, let alone pass it? You are nothing more than a decorative object at this point. Accept it, you will fail. At least you’ll always look as good as you do now.