Listen, man! I’m not going to jail for you, or AINYBODY! (via netflix.com)

We’re more than halfway through the school year, and chances are that you’re getting pretty tired of your usual beverage selection, whether it be your standard Wiggins order, your usual post-KAC smoothie of choice, or that cup of half-beer-half-foam you and your three best friends had to throw elbows for while waiting in line for 15 minutes at a registered party. But never fear, friends; I have just the thing to shake yourself free from that thick, crusty mantle of fatigue and self-loathing that inevitably seems to cover our bodies every year, come mid-February.

Your prayers have been answered in liquid form, through the list of Kenyon Kocktails chronicled below. 50% recipe, 50% experiential-emotional scavenger hunt, and 100% time-sensitive, these drinks are all exclusive to and evocative of life on the Hill right now, so go ahead and enjoy these seasonal specialties while you can!

1. The Middle Path Mudslide. Even more fun/dangerous than adding caffeine and chocolate to hard liquor, this drink is exactly what it sounds like. Equal parts wet dirt, slush, and feelings of regret for placing fashion over function when choosing your winter boots, this drink can easily be taken to the next level with just a dash of split blood, paired with an overwhelming sense of schadenfreude as you watch someone go down HARD in front of Gund Gallery. And if you’re still looking for more, a garnish can easily be created by crushing up some shoe pebbles to put all around that rim-rim-rim-rim.

2. The CondoMint Julep. Also known as the “7:55 PM Special”, this drink is actually just a cup of watered-down ketchup and mustard from the New Side dispensers. Honestly, ten points for anyone who has an answer for the inconsistent viscosity in the Peirce condiments that I keep experiencing, and twenty points for anyone who can say “inconsistent viscosity” five times fast.

3. The After-Olin Delight. We’re all familiar with the picture:  hobbling your way back to your dorm at 1:55 AM, still not even halfway done with your work, you realize the Market’s been closed for hours. What do you do? You mix up one of these, you poor shlub. Consisting of leftover coffee from this morning and the dregs of an ostensibly finished bottle of Glacier Cherry Gatorade, garnished with some pretzel dust because that’s literally the only edible material you have left in your room, this drink is traditionally followed by a 30-minute, totally silent crying jag – the last thing you want is for your roommate to wake up and find you gulping down this abomination. Especially since that would make it the third time this week that that’s happened.

4. The Post-Comps Cleanse. Dedicated to the brave Class of 2015ers out there, this simple, two-ingredient drink is one that is meant to be served either in a spirit of celebration or despair. All you need for this drink is: 1) two forties and 2) an overwhelming sense of either relief or self-loathing. To prepare this drink, all you have to do is put the beers in the fridge, then courageously go forth to present your work. When you get home, simply open both bottles, and, as toast, ask yourself the question, “am I going to graduate this year?”. Regardless of the answer: drink up, baby. You deserve this/brought this on yourself.

5. The Improvised Jägerbomb. More of a concept than an actual drink, you simply take the basic idea behind bomb shots (dropping a smaller thing into a bigger thing, and then drinking those things) and apply that to different parts of your daily routine to spice up your day. An example we came up with: throwing your tiny, pitiful, eroded shell of a human body into the literal ocean of assignments and catchup work you have to finish before Spring Break, and then drinking a cup of your own tears. Bottom line: this one’s all about making your own fun and gettin’ creative. So you do you, honey boo, and let me know how that goes. (Especially if it goes sucky. I wanna make a gross drink out of it.)