Here at Kenyon, we’re big proponents of creating organic and meaningful relationships between professors and students. With this in mind, we’ve heard they’re totally starting a new plan to incorporate professors into our housing system (side note: they’ll be getting the best lottery numbers). Rumor has it D-Cat is slated to live in a Mather double next year, and his future roomie better look out; one of his former roommates is on The Thrill staff, and provided anonymous comments about President Decatur’s living arrangements.

1. He has multiple dogs, and the CAs totally know. Dude, I get it, being away from home can be hard. You need something as a keep sake, but for the love of god these small beasts bark at all hours and the CA keeps throwing me side-eye because he knows what’s going on in here.
2. He won’t stop offering to buy people alcohol. Dad, you’re embarrassing us. Please stop.
3. His wife always stays over. Listen, I get it. Your relationship is important and that’s cute and all, but could you at least ditch the kids? This room isn’t big enough for all five of us.
4. He always does work in the room. I just want to come home and watch TV without him lurking around- is that too much to ask? Like I get that you run the college  and all, but really, I need my space.
5. He makes ramen in the microwave all the time. The room always smells, and he never cleans his dishes. This is a communal space, I’m not your mom.