Looking for a snack to snarf during your post-Extendo/pre-seminar snack break? Look no further than The Thrill’s next entrepreneurial endeavor! We’re proud to announce our collaboration with Jelly Belly’s Ivy League-trained Bean Scientists™ which, if all goes well, will produce the world’s first Kenyon-inspired branch of cavity-inducing, jaw-breaking, awe-inspiring sweet treats: Doctor Locke’s Every Flavor Beans. I can hear your stomach rumbling already. If your tastebuds are itching to give these babies a try, have no fear! While our Kenyon Kandies are in production, we’ve decided to treat you to a little sneak peak of our upcoming flavors. Grab a drool cloth, ’cause these tiny morsels are – according to our taste-testers (who, full disclosure, are just prospies we grabbed from an afternoon tour group) – delectable.
1. Hash Brown Triangle
Though these tiny morsels contain no real potato, they’re sure to delight kids and adults alike! Enjoy the buttery comfort of Peirce’s most famous creation without leaving your bed-turned-hangover nest on lazy Saturday mornings. Be careful, though – ingesting too many of these has been known to cause tongue numbness and starch addiction, as well as reverse homesickness in children 18-24.
2. Wiggin Street Slush Puddle
This variation on Jelly Belly’s “Dirt” flavor contains some exciting new ingredients, including real gravel, road salt, half-frozen, water-like sidewalk fluid and collegiate indignation. We even discovered a chemical formula that exactly replicates the sensation of stepping in the famed puddle! Marvel as your left foot goes completely numb for hours on end! Complain to your friends and neighbors for weeks following! Science is incredible!
3. Market DogFor the thriftier among us, these beans are offered at a fifty percent price reduction. Why, you ask? Don’t worry about it! The ingredients we use are completely legitimate and legal. Trust us, these beans are so delicious, you won’t even think about asking yourself what kind of meat you just ate.
4. Gambier Autumn
Be careful with these little suckers. At first, they’ll lure you in with their sweet scent and tantalizing color. You’ll pop one in your mouth, anxious to begin your journey to amazing flavor. As the bean melts in your mouth, however, you’ll begin to experience overwhelming self-doubt. Everything around you will fade into awful shades of brown and grey, and your body temperature will slowly drop as the air around you chills. Life is bleak. Escape is futile. You are trapped. But what a gorgeous shade of red, right?!?
5. The Thrill
This one honestly tastes like garbage. I have no idea why we’re still making them. Buy a tank top.