Well, well, well. Spring break is over and it’s time to hang up the bikini and hit the books. Or don’t! I’m not your mom. Really, I’m not. Check the maternity tests. Watch Maury next week. My womb is drier than a David Sedaris anecdote. My uterus is full of sand. Please just leave me alone.
This weekend I had to fly back to campus, as did many other students. See, I am relatable! Perhaps someday I will laugh and have a great time with other Kenyon Lords and
Lizards Ladies grousing about the terrors of air travel. Flying is pricey (I had to sell my entire collection of Warren G. Harding radish look-alikes just to buy a plane ticket) and airports, swarming beds of capitalism that they are, are very expensive places. Here are my tried and true methods of staying entertained at airports without wasting all my hard-earned buffalo nickels.
- Find all the Skittles on the carpet at your gate. I found one! It was red, like the color of a cherry Skittle. Wow, metaphors are fun.
- Laugh at people buying $3 Snickers bars. Crave a Snickers bar. Ugly cry in a bathroom stall for 10 minutes because you don’t want to pay $3 for a Snickers bar. Realize that you’re not you when you’re hungry ™. Buy a Snickers bar and slowly eat it layer by layer, letting the rich nougat slide around your tooth in a thick, creamy waterfall. Store the peanuts in your ear canals for next winter.
- Pull a fully formed Snickers bar out of your belly button. Wrap it in damp green velvet. Give it to your beloved on the next full moon.
- Watch planes take flight. Remember that five years ago you could never have done this. Remember that if you had so much as seen a plane in 2010, you would have somersaulted away in terror, screaming “Metal birdo lasas min esti” at the top of your lung. Shake your head ruefully.
- Read a book until the sweat from your hand glands dissolves it into a pulp. I’ll never know what happened at the end of Confessions of a Shopoholic. Do the police finally interrogate her into submission? Is she what Usher was talking about? There is literally no way to know.
- Finally start listening to Serial and see what the hype was all about.