Sexy-time in the snoozer is tough: walls are thin, roommates don’t leave, and the XL in twin XL has all the disappointment of a double-stuffed Oreo. Yeah, it sounds like it breaks the status quo. But really, it’s the same damn thing, and let me tell you–the thought of getting “stuffed” on a twin XL makes me want to write off sex for a pack of those calorie monsters and Netflix.
1. “Effing and Blinding.” The roommate’s out, the lights are off, and sexy-time has just begun. On your bed. Directly in front of the first-floor window. Oh! Oh! Oh! OH my god there are people outside CLOSE THE BLINDS! Whoever’s on top ducks, swivels around, and lets down the blinds along with all inhibitions. Don’t forget to thrust. If you’re into public sex, throw out a pageant wave to the passerby’s outside as you lower the blinds–you know–long, long, short short short, pearls. Hey, it might just be the blind leading the blind, but if you ask me the “reverse cowgirl” just kicked it up one XL gear.
2. “The Futon Fumble Pogo Sticker.”Also referred to as the “How Long Can We Keep it In.” Of the positions featured in this list, this one’s no quickie. It’s like a potato sack race for sex. As you move off of your futon, wrap one leg around each other. With the remaining two legs on the ground, thrust while jumping in a pogo stick-like manner. Aim for the bed. If you fall out (or fall over) there’s no free pass. No get-out-of-jail-free card. No shortcut. There’s only the “show me your goddamn mental fortitude” card. What, you want to try a different position? I think you should try a better attitude.
3. “Lost That Loving Feeling. I Mean My Arm. I Can’t Feel My Arm.” If you regularly have an extra large man in your extra large twin bed, you may know all about the struggles of keeping your limbs awake during fornication. So why not just get rid of them all together? Because then you’d have phantom arms, and you’d still be able to feel them. So.
4. “The Squeaky Snog.” Somewhere between the X and the L in twin XL, Kenyon forgot to mention that these beds are also extra squeaky. Worried that the squeak won’t help you peak? Turn a problem into a solution and try to get the bed to squeak melodically. You know, pick an easy classic to start off with first, like “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star”, or “Old McDonald Had a Farm”–that should be the eee eye eee eye OH back in your night.
5. “Celibacy.” Really the only position for a twin XL.