John Green impersonator admiring the new Caples mural: Anything could be a metaphor. You’re a metaphor. The art in this elevator is a metaphor.
Senior studying for anything but history comps: But like, what’s Old Mexico?
Secret member of the Pawnee Goddesses: I like my men like I like my vibrators: Silent and powerful.
Sophomore stuck in either the 90s or The Hunger Games: I want to style my aesthetic on Lenny Kravitz.
Stubbornly bitter First Year: Fandango makes me want to shit myself.
Reactionary girl still reeling from retrograde: Mercury! Hide your genitals!
Sophomore dude well-versed in avoiding hyperbole: Jon Stewart is leaving the daily show?!? I’m going to go sacrifice a virgin. Let’s hope it works.
Genuinely concerned friend of nature: What happened to Alvin and the Chipmunks?
- Jaded adult: They died in a car crash.