The Kenyon Gaming Chronicles: Part III

This post is another installment in The Kenyon Gaming Chronicles, a feature in which we attempt to play every Free-To-Play game in the Steam store. Sure, the goal is lofty, but these games are affordable, omnipresent and simple to download – what could possibly go wrong?

Mmm, steamy.

Mmm, steamy.

For this week’s installment, my devoted friends and I chose to download the highly reviewed “how do you Do It?” an indie game created by Nina Freeman and Emmett Butler. (Note the title’s stylistic capitalization. That will be ESSENTIAL later on.)

Let’s Do It.

(A quick warning to the squeamish: This game involves plastic dolls which vaguely resemble naked humans. Don’t proceed if you aren’t prepared.)

Screen Shot 2015-03-23 at 6.45.50 PM

Is this CoD?? Those graphics are MIND BLOWING.

The game starts as you, a blonde, red-kneed childmonster, say an awkward goodbye to your rectangle mother before she heads off to run some errands. Grocery store mood music plays softly in the background as your mother zooms away in her knockoff Mini Cooper. Finally free of your blocky captor, you rush over to play with your dolls. They’re naked. You’re cool with that.

Screen Shot 2015-03-23 at 6.43.46 PM

I honestly don’t know.

Somehow, as a sensitive 11-year-old child, you’ve seen Titanic. The car scene is haunting you. “What kind of hug is a hug on the floor?” you ask yourself. “I don’t hug Mommy like that.” These are the questions which define a generation; these are the questions we should never stop asking.

Screen Shot 2015-03-23 at 6.45.16 PM

Not only does this “””piece of art””” rival Nietzsche’s philosophical prowess – it’s also a super fun video game!! Throw your Xbox One out your ninth-story Caples window, because that shit can’t compare to this magic!!! WASD allows you to thrust the dolls’ torsos towards each other, and a few other keys let you magically rotate them around without moving your hands. The more you smash their genitals together, the more your pock-marked face flushes with embarrassment. And yet, you cannot stop.

Screen Shot 2015-03-23 at 6.43.58 PM

See the dolls. Smell the dolls. Worship the dolls. They hold secrets you couldn’t hope to learn.

Screen Shot 2015-03-23 at 6.45.08 PM

Finally, you get the two lovebirds to contort their bodies kind of like this. You’ve figured it out. I’m pretty sure this is sex. Look at those cold, plastic, eyeless faces – even the dolls are into it.

Screen Shot 2015-03-23 at 6.44.15 PM FUCK MOM’S HOME ACT CASUAL HIDE THE DOLLS’ MONSTER LEGS

FullSizeRender

 

The game ends with this screen. I have no idea what it means. You never get caught. There are no obstacles. The dolls never change. You never learn what sex really is.

What the hell did I just play.

I give this game a pair of tiny plastic breasts out of ten.

 

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