If there’s one thing I’ve learned in college, it’s that everybody has a little something hidden inside of them. For some, it might just be a testicle that never quite dropped. For others, it might be a bag of cocaine right around the corner from the good ol’ large intestine. But more commonly than drugs and uni-balls, people have alter egos lurking deep below the surface, waiting for a drop of alcohol to bring them to life. I mean, sometimes I tell people I’m Jesus because he turned water into wine and I can turn wine into pee. Seems pretty legit to me. You know–hot toddy, potty–potato, potahto. You feel me. Anyways, here are 5 Kenyon-specific drunk alter egos.
1. The church bell tollers. What’s obviously drunk and produces loud noises vaguely resembling the Harry Potter theme song? Your alter ego! But in broad daylight, it’s probably just those damn bell tollers. You know, do doo da do do do do, do da doo doo do DUDE! What is up? Cove o’clock? Cove o’clock.
2. The registrar ladies. Oh, you want to hookup? I didn’t see written permission from your faculty advisor. Ok, now you want to break up? You’re going to need to show me an add/drop form, son. What’s that? You think you’re pregnant? Well, I guess you forgot that YOU and you alone are responsible for checking your schedule. Want a sticker?
3. Sad, recent graduate. For some, it only takes a little booze to elicit their melancholy twin who speaks only of missed opportunities, Peirce Hall, and how much they miss their mom. Enter the ugly crying, ramen noodles, and falling asleep long before the party actually starts.
4. Dean Toutain. Alcohol makes you the responsible friend, because college is a time of great responsibility. You work the subtle comb-over hair flip, are all about conflict-resolution, sip on bourbon and ice, and hell– you still manage to have a good time because your name is Hank.
5. Spam emails. Hello. I wish to discuss a very confidential business proposition with you that could amount to large sums of happiness. Could you enter your email password so I can hack your accounts and learn about your every wish and want? Then maybe we do the sex? I am having long experience with copulation satisfaction. Yeah. Sure. They don’t understand scamming, and you don’t understand the opposite sex. Coincidence? Negative.