Jaded doesn’t even begin to describe it.

It’s that time of year when it seems like not a day goes by without seeing a tour group pass through Olin or watching a stumbling tour guide say, “let me know if i’m about to trip over something!” It’s all very exciting, we know, but if you’re anything like me you feel somewhat responsible for personally convincing at least one of those eager-eyed high schoolers that Kenyon is the only school deserving of being their O.T.C.C (one true college choice). Here are some tips on how to truly show them a good time in Gambier.

1. Perch onto the roof of Ransom Hall, camouflaging yourself as a crow in order to hide amongst the statues (wear all black and sit incredibly still for best results). If my memory serves me correctly, tours begin and end in front of Ransom so this is the perfect spot to look for an unsuspecting family to latch onto. 
2. Dismount from Ransom’s roof and position yourself doing something very casual, Very Kenyon that will catch the family’s attention. Suggestions include 1) tossing a frisbee at their head and offering your sincerest apologies to break the ice 2) gathering some friends to put on an aggressively loud and disruptive acapella show that they literally cannot ignore 3) swimming across the gravel and lawn (shouting “GO LORDS!”) towards them to hang onto their ankles until they agree to take you in as their new and improved tour guide. 
3. Give them a brief tour of your room. Don’t bother to tidy up beforehand, being as uncensored as humanly possible is vital to gaining their trust. They should know about the borderline moldy bowl of Ramen, the overflowing trashcan and the literal skeletons in your closet. if at any moment they start to get uncomfortable or queasy, shout “IF YOU CAN’T TAKE THE HEAT GET OUT OF THE KITCHEN!” Then elaborate by explaining that the kitchen is Kenyon and the heat is the lingering sensation that there’s probably a ghost in any room you occupy on this spooky-ass campus. 
4. if the opportunity presents itself, grab a bench somewhere in the village and have the prospie sit through the five minute severe weather alarm that goes off at noon on selected Fridays. Have the ringing reverberate in their skulls and then have them sit in silence afterwards to think about how much they want to be here. once that’s done, take them for an iced coffee at Wiggin! 
5. At the end of the day, once it’s decently pitch black outside and you’ve had a holistic and honest look at Kenyon, have the prospie try to read aloud the script of Jash Rodnor’s 2012 masterpiece Liberal Arts in it’s entirety while waiting outside the Cove in the 20 degree weather. Let it be clear that if they can’t complete this final task, their acceptance letter will be rendered null and void.