10 o’clock list: Things Never to Say to an English Major


I like big books and I cannot lie HA HA HA English major inside joke no one else understands!!!!11!!!

Maybe you’re an English major. Maybe you aren’t. Maybe you only speak a rare dialect of Esperanto. But like it or not, Kenyon is a thriving rat’s nest of English majors, many of whom are on the verge of a nervous breakdown. We can all get a little sensitive about our intended degrees, be they in the Natural Sciences, the Social Sciences, the Humanities, the Fine Arts, the Seriously I’m Fine Arts, the Please Leave Me Alone Arts, or the Kevin, Your Puny Mind Could Never Begin to Comprehend the Deep Abyss of Human Woe that is Me, You Illiterate Buffoon Arts. As an English major I know firsthand the tediousness of having to field numerous questions about my area of interest. The following are things to NEVER say to an English major EVER.

1) Why are your fingernails five feet long? Uh, maybe because of luminary author Kurt Vonnegut? Slaughterhouse Five? Like, learn a book.

2) Sir, I am going to have to ask you to please leave Peirce Hall. You’re alarming the other students. Guess you’ve never read Naked Lunch, pal. *High fives stained glass portrait of Nathaniel Hawthorne, shatters window*.

3) How are you alive? You just ate seventeen ravens whole. Oh please. Just because you’ve never connected with an author doesn’t mean you get the right to judge me for my love of Edgar Allen Poe. Go eat a calculator, you maggot pie.

4) Please stop howling at the moon. It’s 3 PM and you’re making me very uncomfortable. *Scoffs*. Guess you’ve never heard of Allen Ginsberg, huh. *Pauses to allow for applause break from gang of nearby English majors and/or raccoons*.

5) Don’t gnaw the jewelry off of my fingers. It’s unbecoming. Tell that to Tolkien, Mom.

6) Why do you have an unlit cigarette in your mouth? It’s a metaphor. *Stares at camera, breaking the fourth wall, rolls eyes*.

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