IT A MYSTERY

Recently, I was reminded by my Thrill colleague’s timely roast of Rutherford B. Hayes that some seriously influential and somewhat baller people have graduated from Kenyon over the past hundred-odd years. With this knowledge dancing around in my brain box, I was compelled to ask: What would it be like if a bunch of successful alumni got together and had weird kids? Once that idea nugget poked its head out of the proverbial egg that is my skull, nothing could stop me from making my dream a reality. Man-man couplings that can’t produce children? Non-intersecting lifespans? WHO CARES. Let’s smash some faces together and see what we get.

Graham Gund ’63 + Rutherford B. Hayes 1842 = Baby Fullbeard

Oh God. Is that a bearded infant? How was that the only discernible trait that our former president passed on to his satanic offspring?? And was Gund’s only contribution the crow’s feet and under eye bags? We need a new method. Let’s abandon the baby-making altogether and just see what these kids would look like all growed up.

Allison Janney ’82 + Paul Newman ’49 = The Most Beautiful Creature Ever To Grace This Earth

Is it just me, or does he/she/they look like a friendlier Jennifer Aniston? Aside from Newman’s hair fiasco, I’d say this one was a total success. I’m inspired now. Let’s forge ahead.

Nick Bakay ’81 + Salem the Cat = TRUE NIGHTMARE

HOW AND WHY

LET’S DIAL IT BACK

Carl Djerassi ’43 + His Famous Invention = A Lifetime of Bliss

This is a formula we can all live by.

Josh Radnor ’96 + A Slightly More Approachable Josh Radnor ’96 = Josh Radnor ’96

Honestly, what did you expect?