Recently, I was reminded by my Thrill colleague’s timely roast of Rutherford B. Hayes that some seriously influential and somewhat baller people have graduated from Kenyon over the past hundred-odd years. With this knowledge dancing around in my brain box, I was compelled to ask: What would it be like if a bunch of successful alumni got together and had weird kids? Once that idea nugget poked its head out of the proverbial egg that is my skull, nothing could stop me from making my dream a reality. Man-man couplings that can’t produce children? Non-intersecting lifespans? WHO CARES. Let’s smash some faces together and see what we get.
Oh God. Is that a bearded infant? How was that the only discernible trait that our former president passed on to his satanic offspring?? And was Gund’s only contribution the crow’s feet and under eye bags? We need a new method. Let’s abandon the baby-making altogether and just see what these kids would look like all growed up.
Is it just me, or does he/she/they look like a friendlier Jennifer Aniston? Aside from Newman’s hair fiasco, I’d say this one was a total success. I’m inspired now. Let’s forge ahead.
HOW AND WHY
LET’S DIAL IT BACK
This is a formula we can all live by.
Honestly, what did you expect?